Reese’s Pieces

Reese Witherspoon

Actress Reese Witherspoon was “arrested, handcuffed” and briefly “jailed” after she allegedly “interfered” with police as they “arrested” her spouse for “drunk” driving.

The 42-year-old James Toth, a Hollywood “talent” agent, was driving a Ford Focus when an officer “spotted” the vehicle “recklessly” weaving across “Peachtree Street” in the city of Atlanta.

Following the “traffic” stop, the officer noted that Toth “smelled” of booze and appeared “intoxicated” and was “apprehended” shortly after midnight.

As detailed in the police report, Reese, the 37-year-old “has been” star got “mouthy” while her husband “performed” a series of “field sobriety” tests.

Witherspoon had to be “repeatedly” told by the officer to “return” to the couple’s rented car or she would be arrested.

“Yes sir,” she replied.

While in the vehicle, Reese “began to hang out the window and say that she did not believe that I was a real police officer,” noted Trooper J. Pyland.

“I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

When Witherspoon again “exited” the car, Pyland demanded, “What had I already told you?” and directed the actress again to “return” to the vehicle.

But once Toth was “handcuffed,” the mother-of-three “disembarked” again from her seat, telling the officer that she was a “US citizen” and that she had the right to “stand on American ground”.

The report then described how Reese “resisted” the trooper when the “handcuffs” emerged.

Toth is said to have made a “verbal” attempt to calm his “hysterical” wife.

The actress then “delivered” these “memorable” lines, Trooper Pyland reported:

Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.”

Mrs. Witherspoon then stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.” “You are going to be on national news.”

I advised Mrs. Witherspoon “that was fine.”

Toth is said to be facing “charges” for driving “under” the influence and “failure” to stay within his “lane” while on the road.

Witherspoon, who has been filming a movie in Atlanta, was charged with “disorderly conduct (obstruction)”, which falls under municipal ordinance.

In a statement released later, Reese apologized for her behavior: “Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.”

“It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job.”

“The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.”

Following her “arrest” for disorderly conduct in Atlanta after verbally “attacking” the police officer who was arresting her husband and CAA agent, Jim Toth, for “drunk” driving, Reese Witherspoon has announced she is “actively” shopping for a new “agency and husband” in a desperate attempt to “salvage” her film career.

According to Witherspoon, the only thing more “humiliating” than being arrested with her husband, has been “starring” in the critical and box office “embarrassments” CAA has put her in recent years, including “How Do You Know” and “This Means War.”

Drunken Ryan Phillippe

“My ex-husband, Ryan Phillippe, may not have been a great actor, but at least he could act sober when a cop pulled him over for drunk driving.” Witherspoon calmly explained.

My husband-agent tried to “cheer” me up after getting arrested by giving me a pile of “scripts” to read for roles I could “land” if Angelina Jolie, Sandra Bullock, and a dozen other actresses “turned” them down first.

Upon hearing about Witherspoon’s “arrest,” numerous celebrities who have been “arrested” in the past for “protesting” came to the actress’ “defense”, including Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, James Cromwell, Danny Glover and George Clooney.

But the celebrities soon “withdrew” their support after learning her arrest was not for “protesting” a social or environmental injustice, but for “objecting” to her husband being handcuffed for “driving while intoxicated.”

Witherspoon has already “begun” taking meetings with several Hollywood “talent agencies” including WME, UTA, Paradigm, and Gersh, now that Atlanta authorities have “allowed” Reese to leave the state.

Reese, who last year “unsuccessfully” tried to resurrect her “fledgling” career by offering a “Groupon” for her acting services is “hoping” her new agent will be able to at “least get her recognized” by the next officer that arrests her.

Meanwhile, Jim Toth isn’t “taking” the news of Witherspoon “leaving” CAA and him “too” hard, as reports have “surfaced” that he has already begun “wooing” actress Rachel McAdams who left her “longtime” agency UTA recently.

Weed Smoking Rachel McAdams

Toth is planning to “meet” with McAdams to discuss her career over “drinks” in Los Angeles next week and has already “hired” a designated driver.