Archive for vagina

No Appetite For Sex

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2017 by andelino

Bruce Jenner “reveals” in his upcoming “memoirs” that he may never be “intimate with women again,” but might be “open to a male companion.”

“I don’t have the appetite for sex, which is why the public’s obsession over whether I would get gender confirmation surgery is annoying to me,” writes the 67-year-old “clueless rich white transgender” in the book “The Secrets of My Life,” which will be “released” later this month.

“It hearkens back to this misperception that people transition because of their sexual desires.”

“A future female companion? I think about that. A future female sexual companion? Not happening, at least for now, and perhaps not ever,” he wrote in a section of the book completed prior to his “gender confirmation surgery.”

“A future male sexual companion? I have never had the inclination. But maybe that attitude might possibly change when I have the final surgery.”

So I guess there are “two main takeaways” here:

1) Somewhere between the book being written and excerpts leaking, Bruce did get the “Final Surgery” to give him lady bits.

2) Despite all the magazine covers and garish outfits and fancy makeovers, Bruce still doesn’t fully know what it’s like to be a woman who’s interested in men.

Here’s a “quote” he gave People talking about “getting” the gender reassignment surgery:

“Transitioning is about nothing else but your soul. You are no more a woman the day after the surgery than the day before, okay?”

Sure, “inside” he’s always been the woman his “outside” now reflects.

But I would “argue” you’re not truly “living” the full experience as a woman by “filleting your penis into a vagina” until you get that “first dick” in there.

I’m sure Bruce was satisfied with his “femininity” after the original surgeries and transitioning, but getting that new “vagina and not getting a dick” in there is like spending years “waiting” to get a Ferrari and not ever “taking” it out of the garage.

How much of “womanhood” is tied up in “sex” with men?

Sarah Jessica Parker weaponized women’s “love for a dick” as an expression of “womanhood” in a TV show for a decade.

You go to brunch next to a “table of ladies” and you know what they’re talking about? “Sex.” It’s part of what it “means to be a woman in 2017.”

“No appetite for it”? Screw that. You’ve come this far, you “owe” it to yourself to “cross” the finish line.

“Little dicks, big dicks, Asian dicks, black dicks, dicks dressed like Mr. Peanut, whatever kind of dick you can conjure up in your imagination deserves a stopover on Bruce’s journey of self-exploration. No half measures, no half-inchers.”

I can’t wait for Bruce “telling” the world how it “felt the first time he had intercourse and lost his virginity in the deflowering process.”

What a “confused” individual.

Kendall Jenner “seems” to follow the “footsteps” of her Dad.


Jenner Feels ‘Liberated’ after Sex Reassignment Surgery
Jenner is done with women but will consider sex with men
It’s Finally The End For Jenner
Criticizing Jenner doesn’t mean you’re transphobic.

Beef Patties

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , on March 23, 2017 by andelino

Ms. Antonia, who “described” her own “genitalia” as looking like a “Big Mac burger with the filling hanging out”, says she has been “tormented” by men after they saw it so she “appeared” on the BBC show “My Unusual Vagina” to get surgery.

Obviously, she didn’t feel “comfortable” with her vagina, and so “avoided” having sex due to feeling “anxious” about it, as well as it “hurting” her physically.

“The skin flaps are like elastic bands, if I was to pull them I could get them down to my thigh. For me sex is difficult, because it can hurt and feel uncomfortable.”

She “decided” that she’d spend £3,100 on a “private clinic” as the NHS wouldn’t provide “surgery,” despite her enlarged “labia” causing her “swelling and discomfort.”

Though the “price” is a big amount, it seems justified given her feelings of “insecurity” towards her private parts.

In the past she’d “received” comments such as “I can’t wait to sleep with someone with a normal vagina” and “‘you’ve got a pair of balls.”

Now I’m no woman but I have to “imagine” hearing “You’ve got a pair of balls” has to be a slight “dent” to a gal’s ego, not “great” pillow talk.

And honestly I am “sympathetic” to it. I’ve hung out with a couple “girls” who had shall we say “prominent” labia and feel across the board “insecure” about it.

And that’s with just a hint of extra “dangling” beef, not the dollar “menu” that poor Antonia was apparently “working” with.

I have to question how “bad” exactly it is given some of the Kosher deli “explosions” I’ve seen in the MILF category on “Spankbang” that apparently have no problem “trotting” a beefy “vag” out there.

But if it’s something where she’s “uncomfortable” about, of course she should go “under the knife” for a little “snizz” snip snip.

I mean could you imagine how “rattled” you’d be about your dick if it were “compared” to unflattering “sausage” items?  That’s some real “repress these memories and don’t talk to anyone again shit.”

And here Antonia is, trotting out two “all beef patties” on a sesame seed “bun” on international TV “pouring” her heart out and “wanting” to make her life better.

I can’t “hate” on that.

I hope after her “procedure” she’s feeling more comfortable and “fresh” with a “vagina” closer resembling a Arby employee’s “handiwork” rather than a McDonald “Big Burger.”

The world is her vagina’s “oyster” now.

Cate Blanchett: My Moral Compass Is “In My Vagina”

Vaginal Lipstick

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , on March 8, 2017 by andelino

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LADIES, have you ever looked at the products on offer in the feminine “hygiene” aisle and thought “There must be a better way?”

Well, prepare for your “downstairs” to be dazzled by the latest “suggestion” from a man who appears to have “zero” understanding of women or their “bits,” Dr Daniel Dopps.

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A chiropractor from the US, Dr Dopps describes the vagina as a “self-cleaning shower drain” (swoon) and has used this “incredibly” scientific understanding of female “anatomy” to come up with a product no woman in their right mind would want — “The Mensez Adhesive Vaginal Lipstick.”

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Yes, it is as “bad as it sounds.”

As Forbes reported, Dr Dopps is the CEO of a company called “Mensez Technologies” and describes his ingenious invention as a “natural compound of amino acids and oil in a lipstick that is applied to the labia minora which causes them to cling together in a manner strong enough to retain menstrual fluid in the vestibule above the labia minora where the vagina opening and urethra exit.”

As if the whole “process” wasn’t bad enough.

Apparently Dr Dopps thinks we should all walk around collecting our own “menstrual fluid” until it’s time to go to the bathroom where the Mensez compound is “instantly washed away with urine, releasing the menstrual fluid along with the urine into the toilet … Safe, secure and clean.”

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Sexiest paragraph in history. Not to mention that drawing…

If you’re thinking, “Well, I’m sure this will never get past the concept phase,” Dr Dopps was granted a patent for the lipstick on January 10 proving there “may not be a single female working at the US Patent and Trademark office.”

The good doctor has said he won’t be making the product himself (thank goodness) and advises it’s a “personal hygiene product and should not be shared with others.”

As if there is a woman “alive” who would tap another female on the shoulder and utter the words “I don’t suppose you’ve got any pussy glue I could borrow?”

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Naturally, after “testing” the waters on his Facebook page, the response was swift and harsh.

But proving he’s the ever-diplomatic “inventor,” Dr Dopps responded to the “concerns” of potential customers with these carefully “considered” words:

“You as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t. Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25 per cent of the time, making them far less productive than they could be.”

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This is a step in the right direction towards “banning” periods altogether.

Overheard on the streets…

Mormons can re-brand it as “chastity glue.”
It’ll be a hit product for trannies!
They could just use “duct tape” instead of “pussy glue.”
The gluten-free version is stapling the vagina shut.
Could be revolutionary if it doubles as an anti-rape device.
Why not solder it shut?

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Glue eaters rejoice.

Yoni Beer

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , on April 11, 2016 by andelino

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Most beer “aficionados” are quite open to trying different craft beers since there are many to “choose” from these days.

But even the most adventurous of “beer snobs” might have a hard time getting their head around the “Yoni Beer” made with bacteria “harvested” from a model’s vagina.

The “creators” of the project say they are “capturing” the woman’s best “features” and putting them into a “drink” soon to hit the shelves.

Yes, you read that correctly.

“Imagine woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion… Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer. The golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with instincts. Imagine the beer which every sip is a rendezvous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kiss you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for that beer?”

We, the “Order of Yoni,” have prepared technology making creation of such “unique” beer possible. The beer containing “quintessence” of femininity. The technology enabling materializing her “loveliness, gracefulness and character,” giving you the possibility of conversion of a “tasty” beer into a “date” with a real goddess.

Using hi-tech microbiology we “isolate, examine and prepare” lactic acid bacteria from the “vagina” of a unique woman. The bacteria, “lactobacillus,” transfers a woman’s features of “allure, grace, glamour and instincts” into beers and other products, turning them into “dance” with lovely goddess.

The creators behind “Bottled Instinct” decided that they wanted to “capture” the essence of a woman “her charm, her sensuality, her passion, her taste, her smell and her voice” and turn it into a drink.

The Order of Yoni’s website reads: “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.”

Our Story, Our Name, Our Symbol     

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“Yoni” means ”vagina” in Sanskrit language. It is also the symbol of the “Hindu Goddess.” Yoni in combination with its male “counterpart” symbolizes the process of creation. The Order’s founding mothers and fathers “discovered” that the combination of woman’s “vaginal” lactobacillus bacteria with “yeast” is a reincarnation of the “harmony” between female and male elements. They also discovered that the “vaginal bacteria” transfers a woman’s “character and instincts” into a beer. To keep this a “secret,” they established the “Order of Yoni,” and the beer started to be the Order’s highest “sacrament.”

What is important, during “birth,” vaginal lactobacillus bacteria “passes” from the vagina to the “newborn,” starting to be part of the child’s “immune” system. That is why the vaginal lactobacillus also “symbolize” life and health. For the Order’s “Master Brewer” the beer is a “tribute” to this sacred process, to the “timeless” harmony between “humans and bacteria.”

“Yoni” it is not only the “secret,” not only the name of the “vagina,” but also, it is the “symbol.”

Modern “reincarnation” of the Yoni “symbol” is based on the saint “sculpture” of Yoni from the “Cát Tiên” sanctuary in Vietnam.

Our Bottle

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Besides the “drawing” of a beautiful woman, it has our “Yoni” logo, our name “The Order of Yoni,” name of the beer “Bottled Instinct” and the name of our wonderful model “Alexandra Brendlov.”

“XI ‘15” means that we have taken her “vaginal swab” on November of 2015.

Our Model

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Who is this “lovely” goddess? This “unique” woman? They say it’s Czech “model” Alexandra Brendlov.

“We have devoted much time to seek for such a woman, all the models had to undergo a very strict selection process.”

“And, finally, after long months of search we have made it. We have found a woman that personifies feminity, natural charm and lure and who possesses all the desired instincts which we wanted to frame in our bottle of beer.”

As our “Yoni Beer” becomes more popular, we’re probably going to “need more beautiful models.”

If you are a model “interested” in cooperation, “boosting” your career, or if you would like to see a “Yoni Beer” with your vagina “scent” write us on model@orderyoni.com

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For additional “product” information see Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ).

The creators have launched an Indiegogo page which has been running for “six days” hoping to fund their project, for which they’re aiming to “raise” 150,000 Euros.

So far, they’ve “got” 11 Euros. I guess that’s a “measure” of the product’s “popularity.”

Overheard on the Street…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Beer snobs are among the worst people on Earth. Beer snobs and terrorists are the people who I think deserve to die the most. There is no beer out there interesting enough that I want to talk about it at length. There just isn’t. I don’t care how it was made. I don’t care what ingredients or weather patterns it took to grow the hops just right. I don’t care if the grains were stored in the asshole of a hibernating bear and that’s why the flavor is so rich. I sure as shit don’t care about this beer that is made with bacteria from some chick’s vagina.

I pass. If you thought beer snob conversations were weird already, just you wait. Now they’re gonna be like, “Oh I can taste her. I can taste her lips. She must’ve had Golden Crisp for breakfast that day.” Beer snobs need to stay as far away from me as possible. This is gonna sound like a hardo “Do You Even Drink Bro” comment but just let me black out on 17 Busch Lights and leave me the hell alone. So there.

Vagina Bern

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2016 by andelino

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Actress Susan Sarandon took to her Twitter account to reiterate her “support” for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT presidential campaign, saying it is “insulting” that women would be asked to “vote for a female president based on gender” alone.

“I don’t vote with my vagina. It’s so insulting to women to think that you would follow a candidate JUST because she’s a woman.”— Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 17, 2016

“HRC doesn’t rep my interests, @BernieSanders does. Simple as that.” — Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 17, 2016

“I never called anyone a ‘vagina voter. ’ What I actually said in response to being shamed for supporting a man over a woman.” — Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 17, 2016

The 69-year-old “Thelma and Louise” star Sarandon first “voiced” her support for Sanders in September when she joined Artists for Bernie, a coalition of more than 120 actors, directors and musicians that are publicly supporting the “socialist” Vermont senator’s run.

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The actress appeared at a Sanders “rally” in Iowa last month, where she sharply criticized Clinton over the former New York senator’s vote to authorize the Iraq war.

“She’s had a job, but what has she done that we’re bragging about? How has she led?” Sarandon said last month.

The actress’ comments come as the Sanders campaign is “battling” its own controversy this week.

At a event at Atlanta’s Morehouse College, “Run the Jewels” rapper and Sanders supporter Killer Mike suggested that the fact that Clinton is “female” should not automatically “entitle” her to become president.

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“A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be President of the United States,” the rapper said at the event. Killer Mike later clarified that he was quoting “feminist activist” Jane Elliott with the comment.

A poll revealed Sanders had “narrowed” the gap against Clinton nationally, trailing by just two points. Both candidates are vying to “secure” female voters ahead of the coming primaries.

Susan Sarandon apparently has abandoned the “gyno-contstituency” and renounced her gender-based “support” for the beloved dog barker “Cankle-in-Chief” Hillary Clinton.

This violation of “protocol” has Hollywood and the mainstream “media” in a tizzy.

At this point, her only “redeeming” quality is her support for Bernie Sanders.

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Should Susan Sarandon feel the “bern in her voting apparatus” antibiotics will be provided by “ObamaCare.”

No doubt that “learning” that Susan Sarandon does not “vote” with her vagina provides great “relief” to those who would be pulling the “lever” after her.

She’s so clever. When people ask how she “gains” such profound insights, she said, “I don’t vote with my vagina, but it’s near where I find my best ideas.”

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In fact, according to a reliably “source” Susan is dreaming of receiving a “HUA Award” to add to the large collection of other awards she’s received over the years.

I thought that women “deserved” more pay and rights without “responsibility” just because of their “vajayjay.” To say that Hillary is “worse” than Bernie is sickening and wrong.

I don’t even want to think about it, so I’ll just say that our policy with “non-Hillary” supporters should be “join or die.”

And I don’t know about you, but if I were a “presidential” candidate, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t want a rapper called “Killer Mike” on the evening’s program.

And looking at the linked article on Killer Mike himself, he said that “an asshole reporter” took a quote from him “out of context” and tried to “warp” it.

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Just goes to show you that “progressiveness” is the new religion for those who ran away from their religion but haven’t fully “decompressed” or thought the situation through. They can use their “tactics” on the heretics and nobody on their side “bats” an eyelash but if the “heretics” use the same tactics on them they “whine.”

Hillary must “not” be criticized. If you do, it’s because you are a male “chauvinist” pig. Just like any “criticism” of Barack Obama can only be an indication of “racism,” any criticism of Hillary can only be “misogyny.”

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Hillary will be our “next” President based upon her “qualifications” listed below:

1.) She has a vagina.
2.) No President has ever had one before.
3.) My husband is a connoisseur in matters of vaginas.

In life, there are only two things you need to worry about:
Either you’re well or you’re sick.
If you’re well, then there’s nothing to worry about,

But if you’re sick, there are only two things you need to worry about:
Getting well or dying.
If you get well, then there’s nothing to worry about,

But if you die, there are only two things you need to worry about:
Either you go to heaven, or you go to hell.
If you go to heaven, then there’s nothing to worry about,

But if you go to hell,
you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won’t have the time to worry!

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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. – Shakespeare

Susan Sarandon Appointed Breast Equalization Czar

Naked Donald Trump

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2016 by andelino

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Artist Illma Gore is selling prints of what she imagines a “naked” Donald Trump would look like and it’s pretty hilarious.

Did you ever “fantasize” looking at a “pastel pencil” painting of a naked Donald Trump? No? Well here we are. Are you ready?

Here it comes. Don’t look if you don’t want to get an image “seared” into your brain for the rest of your life time.

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“Make America Great Again” 11″x14″ Pastel Pencils, 2016 by Illma Gore

“Make America Great Again” is about the significance we place on our “physical” selves. One should not feel “emasculated” by their penis size or vagina, as it does not “define” who you are. Your “genitals” do not define your “gender, your power, or your status.”

Simply put you can be a “massive” prick, despite what is in “your” pants.

I have no idea what Donald Trump “looks” like naked nor do I really want to “know” but if you look at this picture and don’t “laugh” then you don’t have a “sense” of humor. Don’t care what side of the “aisle” you sit on.

If you want to buy it you can do so HERE. Not sure why anyone would ever want to “own” a naked Donald Trump painting, then again I’m not sure why an artist thought to “draw” this in the first place.

The internet is indeed a “weird” place.

Gay Fetishes

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2016 by andelino

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Welcome to 2016! A year where all sorts of “genitals” can be touched by unwilling, but “open-minded” participants, for the “sake” of a viral video.

I’m always “amused” how gay people get more and more “outlandish.”

First people just admitted “weird” things.

Then it was Dads “reading” their daughters’ “texts” to guys…

Next, girlfriends “seeing” each other “naked”

and now we have “lesbians” touching guys’ dicks for the “first” time on a YouTube video.

Having someone who has never touched a “penis” before, and isn’t in anyway attracted to “schlongs,” scrutinize your “pecker” probably isn’t going to be a “sexy” experience.

In the interest of “equality,” you can watch gay “men” touch women on the “boobs” or “vagina” for the first time.

I do have to say the gay guys were arguably more “competent and interested” in finding the clit than most straight guys are. They may have been concerned they would “fall” in the hole, or that they would be hit by an overwhelming “tuna” smell but at least they know now that the “clit has a hood.” Nothing can take that away from them.

Notice a trend? Basically every “idea” has been done at this point in order to keep getting people to “watch” these fetish videos.

Starting January 20, a weekly candlelit “Free the Nipple” yoga class will take place in a downtown Los Angeles studio loft.

Participants interested in the “topless” yoga classes at Astroetic Studios should bring a mat, water, a towel and bottoms, although a top is “optional,” according to the studio’s Facebook page.

The creators of the “bare-breasted” yoga class describe themselves as “a community committed to uplifting others and dismantling the patriarchy” using “radical acceptance, body positivity and gender equality.”

According to LAist, the first class will feature a “two for $30 special,” which allows a person to bring a friend. Otherwise, It’s $20 per person, per class.

The bare-breasted “yoga” class is an extension of a the “Free the Nipple” movement, which seeks to “equalize” men and women by taking one of the clearest “anatomical” differences between the two and “minimizing” it in the service of “equality.”

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The movement is an “attempt” to fight against the “sexualization” of women’s breasts.

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