Archive for orgasm

Smartphone Vibrator

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2016 by andelino

Smartphone Vibrator 01

Discover your Smartphone’s “intimate” side and the all-pervasive “technology” that has now “infiltrated” people’s sex lives.

Have you ever thought “I sure wish I could turn my phone into a vibrator”? Now you can.

Unlike other sex toys such as “Lush Vibe” and “Crescendo”, which operate independently from one’s mobile device, the “IZIVIBE” is basically a phone case with a long 100% medical-grade silicone handle, which acts as a “vibrator” when activated by your phone’s vibrations.

The handle, which kind of looks like a “hairbrush,” can also work as a dildo, with or without vibrations, along the entire length of the phone case to get maximum of “pleasure” whether its inside of you or on you.

In addition to its smooth “finish,” the phone case is made from hypoallergenic silicon and is phthalate-free to guaranteed to never “rub” your intimate parts the wrong way.

It features seven different vibration “modes” which can be controlled by the volume buttons or a slider, allowing users to customize their own “intensity” for hands-free play.

It also syncs with the “IZIVIBE Connect” app that lets you use it “remotely” with someone else, so that users can “play solo or together” which is a great way for long distance couples to keep the “spice” in their sex life even when they’re apart.

IZIVIBE claims to be the world’s first “sex” toy that uses a “Smartphone’s” vibration feature to “pleasure” yourself. All you need is the “phone case and the app.”

Product manager Remy Waddle said the “inspiration” behind the phone case was “to imagine an original product, not vulgar, that is simple and effective.”

The product is “not yet available” for purchase. A representative for the company said they hope to “launch” it in June 2016, but neither the “exact date nor price” could be confirmed.

You can learn more about “IZIVIBE” and find out when it will hit stores via its Twitter account.

While you’re waiting for the “IZIVIBE” to be available at your local sex toy shop, here are some other sex toys you can control with your phone.

1. We Vibe 4 Plus connects with your smartphone and can be used in a variety of different ways. Whether it’s with your partner, alone, in conjunction with sex involving more than one body, or masturbation, We Vibe Plus 4 is small, packed with features, and highly customizable. What’s not to love?

2. OhMiBod Blue Motion our Bluetooth enabled massagers maximize your pleasure while delivering the ultimate in discretion. Whether you have a partner in crime or enjoy going solo, the blue Motion products have the power to “tantalize and titillate”—anytime, from anywhere.

How do the OhMiBod Remote App work? A lot like this…

The Blue Motion Nex is a wearable vibrator that, like the We Vibe, gives both you and your partner the power to “turn up the heat” when you’re together or apart using a simple smartphone app.

A cool thing about the app is it also lets you send pictures and record audio while using the wearable and the app, for a sexual experience that truly engages all the senses.

3. Lovense is a pretty, especially for couples, because it’s actually two sex toys. Nora, which is best for people with vaginas, and Max, which is best for people with penises, can both be controlled by smartphone apps and be activated from many miles away. Like the We Vibe 4 Plus, it’s great for long-distance relationships.

It was “only” a matter of time. We all know how much women love taking “selfies” and updating their “Pinterest” boards.

It’s only the logical next step for someone to develop a product that allows them to actually have sex with their phones. All they need now is a “sperm bank” app that adds “semen” to the “equation” and women won’t need “men” anymore.

Periscope should invest in this “smartphone” dildo. Talk about taking “sexting” to an entirely new level. Live POV “feeds” from a gal’s vagina while she’s “masturbating” will make snap chatting some “booby” pics more outdated than “jerking” it to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

My only question is where is the phone case “Fleshlight?” You know there are a ton of tech “nerds” out there just dying to “screw” their phones for some “jizz.”

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Serious question. At what “point” do women stop having “sex” with men entirely and “switch” 100% over to “sex toys?”

It will happen soon. Men are no “longer” necessary. They don’t even “need” our sperm anymore. They can select a “sperm donor” of their choice, have him “ejaculate” into a cup, “freeze” it and have it “injected” whenever it’s “most” convenient for them.

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Women for sure don’t need us for “sexual pleasure” at this point. They’ve got more toys at their “disposal” than Duncan’s Toy Chest. Every time you “turn” around another sex toy pops up that “spins” them around and make them “cum” like a volcano.

Men can’t “compete” with that. And why would women want to “keep” having sex with us? We are terrible “at it for the most part” and it’s a “laborious” task.

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Here are the “options” currently out there for women:

Option 1: Sex with a real human male. We sweat and breath all over you like an UN-caged animal. We make weird noises. We are very mediocre at the activity. Our bodies are gross and disgusting. Dicks are weird. You’ll cum if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky you’re pregnant.

Option 2: Sex with any number of sex toys. No sweat or heavy breath that smells like salted meats. No alcohol odor all over you. No weird noises except the hum of the toy. No disgusting body bearing down on you. You’ll cum 15,000 times in 20 minutes. No pregnancy.

It’s a “no-brainer” for ladies. Option 2 makes almost “too much” sense.

And this “cell-phone-turned-vibrator” is yet another “step” in that direction. Orgasms “on the go.” Men will be “obsolete” in the next 10-15 years. Mark it down.

We truly have taken “technology” to new heights. What a “time to be alive.”

Robot Sex

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , on November 8, 2015 by andelino

Robot Sex 01

An “expert” on the psychology of sex has “claimed” that not only does she expect having “sex with robots” to be socially “acceptable” by 2070, but it may be more popular than “intercourse” with humans.

While the notion has “dystopian” elements, Dr. Helen Driscoll of the University of Sunderland said that any “stigma” attached to “robophilia” could quickly dissipate.

“We tend to think about issues such as virtual reality and robotic sex within the context of current norms,” she told The Mirror.

“But if we think back to the social norms about sex that existed just 100 years ago, it is obvious that they have changed rapidly and radically.”

Given that “robots” could theoretically be programmed to be “down for whatever” and perform an infinite number of “positions and experiences,” it is very conceivable that “sex” with robots will become the most “popular” kind of sex.

“As virtual reality becomes more realistic and immersive and is able to mimic and even improve on the experience of sex with a human partner; it is conceivable that some will choose this in preference to sex with a less than perfect human being,” Dr. Driscoll added.

“People may also begin to fall in love with their virtual reality partners.”

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The impending “trend” is the subject of a lot of “fiction” being made of late, including the films “Ex Machina” and the Channel 4 TV series “Humans” which tend to “focus” on the negatives.

“This may seem shocking and unusual now, but we should not automatically assume that virtual relationships have less value than real relationships,” Dr Driscoll said.

“The fact is, people already fall in love with fictional characters though there is no chance to meet and interact with them.”

The idea of “humans” spending their time in virtual “environments” interacting with virtual “people” might seem psychologically “problematic,” but if the technology is “perfected,” Dr. Driscoll sees no reason why forming a “relationship” with a robot should be any different to “forming” one with a human.

“Currently the lack of human contact could be harmful. Humans are naturally sociable and a lack of human contact could lead to loneliness which is linked to various mental and physical health problems,” she said.

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“But, in the long term, technology may overcome these problems.”

“When eventually there are intelligent robots indistinguishable from humans – apart from their lack of bad habits, imperfections and need for investment – not only are we likely to choose them over ‘real’ humans but psychologically we will not suffer if we are not able to tell the difference.”

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Robot Birth…Will that be Natural or C-section?

I suspect the moment a women gets pounded “rhythmically and ruthlessly” 2000 times a second, while her robot companion simultaneously “vibrates” with the force of a pneumatic “drill” I can’t imagine any men to be very “appealing” after that.

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The good “news” is that after experiencing an earthquake type “orgasm” the robot will head “back” to the recharging “pod” leaving her “alone,” with all needs satisfied.

If robot “banging” is going to be the “in” thing to do in 50 years, you might as well “hop” in ahead of the trend and start buying stock in “Sex Robots.”

This is the “beginning” of routing out “civilization” of men kind.

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High Tech “sex robot” for the ultimate in male/female discreet satisfaction.

Sometime ago a robot passed the “Self Awareness” test, while last year a super-computer became the first to pass the “Turing Test” convincing humans it was also a human.

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1. Robots have abs literally of steel.
2. Robots personality can be programmed.
3. Robots have self-cleaning penises.
4. Robots never tire of listening to an argument.
5. Robots don’t cheat on you.

Sexbots: Why Women Should Panic
6 Major Advantages Of Having Sex With Robots
How Soon Will Humans Marry Sex Robots?
Sex Bots and Robotics
Modern Robot Evolution
How robotic prostitutes could turn a crime-ridden industry into a respectable “guilt free” business


Jihad Anal Love

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2015 by andelino

Anal Jihad 01

Raymond Ibrahim reports about a new “fatwa” that explicitly legitimizes sodomy and even makes it “obligatory” if it helps to wage “Jihad” on the unbelievers.

An Arabic “news” video has made the rounds on the Internet, in which an Islamic scholar “earnestly” informs jihadists of an “innovative and unprecedented way to execute martyrdom by placing explosive capsules in the anus.”

However, to undertake this “jihadi” approach you must agree to be “sodomized” for a while to widen your anus “so it can hold the explosives.”

“Ass-Sahab” present the “Al-Qaeda Training Video”:

Full Video Transcript:

Are you a “sexually” frustrated young man? Then you’ve come to the right place. Hi, I am Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden’s “backdoor” man.

You may remember me from such instructional videos as “Five Terrific Reasons to Blow Yourself Up” and “Al Qaeda Martyrs’ Excellent Retirement Plan.”

In this “video” I want to talk to you about creating “butt” bombs.

Did you know that the word “ASS-ASS-IN” comes from the Middle East? What social “loser” wouldn’t like to take one in the “ass” for Allah?

Become a “butt-bomber” in five easy steps with this “butt-stuffing” instructions.

Have your butt buddy “get you off” with a text message while you have your final “orgasmic” experience of a lifetime.

“Ass-assassination” will never feel the same again.

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Al Qaeda: We shove bombs up our butts!

Step 1: Explosives.

If you have been watching my series you know how to make explosives. But because this one will go up your butt you must mix it with polymers to stiffen it up for ease of insertion, and mold it into the only shape that Allah provided to get the job done.

Make it smooth, textured, or lovingly bumpy, but make sure it is a perfect fit for you. Before you decide on the width and length, insert a vegetable, like carrot or cucumber up your bung and walk with it. Don’t be afraid to play Goldilocks and try different sizes. Something too long may create the tent-pole phenomenon in the back of your pants.

When you make calculations, don’t confuse the circumference with the diameter. We don’t want you to become jaded and go on a mission with a defeatist attitude or with impossibly high expectations.

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Step 2: Lubricants.

KY Jelly or rendered rancid sheep fat? You may find that KY dries rather rapidly. Of course use rendered rancid sheep fat! That way there will be no unfamiliar smell to give you away. It will also throw off the sniffing dogs. It is safe unless the airports start fluoroscoping all travelers with Preparation H.


I knew a butt-bomber, a very sweet young man, who went for spicy cinnamon oil to avoid the bomb detectors. But they spotted him because of the squirming. The bomb was withdrawn prematurely.

Some believe that petroleum-based lubricants offer the best secondary explosion, but that is an old wife’s tale. Even water-based brands contain ingredients to enhance the incendiary effect, with or without the warming sensation.

Glycerin can be found in KY Jelly, Sylk, Astroglide, Probe, and Aqua lube. But be careful because the sugar can encourage yeast growth. Stop using any product that causes skin irritation.

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Step 3: Preparation “stop worrying and learn to love the bomb”

Find yourself a butt buddy. For starters let him send a gerbil up your bung through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll. It will widen your bomb-storage facility and make you accustomed to the pleasure and accept it as desirable.

Then take turns practicing with Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket. It always hits my sweet spot. But of course modern technology has created masterpieces that rotate, vibrate, thrust, jiggle, wiggle, squirt, and simply bring out a wilder side to anyone who uses them. Be creative. Some use al-Qaeda anal beads, but they’re not for everybody.

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When you get good at it, proceed with Allah “Fisting!” Show your dedication to Allah by opening up to Him! But tell your “butt” buddy to remove his ring.

Make it closer to field conditions by inserting a telephone set on vibrate. You’ll find it fun once you get past the buttons. Or is it the other way around? It’s undetectable and hands free. You can even learn to send and receive secret messages. How do you think I have avoided the CIA for so long?

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The possibilities are endless! Do you see my AK 47 rifle behind my back? No? I didn’t think so. It fits completely, but it takes time to pull it out. In my other videos I have bookshelves in the background. I could pull them out too. Maybe for the next video. I like to keep my Koran and Hadith handy, so to speak.

Step 4: The big Orgasm.

A wise man said, go West, young man, and blow up with the country! By all means! Stick the bomb up your butt and go! The thought of a butt bomb can be scary to some. But you will find yourself having a fun time if you follow my advice.

Think of it as a blind date. Don’t be late. Check your calendar. Remember that the Ramadan Fast provides us with extra bomb storage. Cancel all appointments and keep the phone lines clear. Pray to Allah that no one will text you a random joke and your Mom doesn’t call you to ask about the condition of your butt itch.

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Play it safe by going off in a public place. Wear clothes that give you confidence. Carrying penis-shaped explosives in your butt can be stressful enough, so you better feel like you’re at the top of your game. Choose a location that is free of mushy memories.

And you don’t want a spot where you might run into an old friend from school or a relative. This can make things awkward, especially if you start exchanging phone numbers. They may try to test it and send you a text message. That could be embarrassing.

Step 5: Paradise.

This is the part where you stop worrying. Your training has prepared you for an eternity of pleasures. Meet the 72 houris. Allah willing you won’t be fit for any other recreational activity.

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There may not be any lubricants, but there sure will be plenty of sand. With your extra-wide rectum you’ll be one happy martyr. Others will not be so lucky.

And that is the whole point of becoming a “butt” bomber. 100% Halal.

Anal Jihad is in the focus of reluctant public attention again, three years after a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official with a pound of explosives stuck up a jihadist’s rectum.

So let’s shout a hearty “Allahu Akbar” for the “butthole” bombers and “goat” humpers.

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No wonder Jihadists “stick” bombs up their butts if this is what Jihadists “pussies” look like.

Lesbian Orgasm

Posted in sex with tags , on September 6, 2014 by andelino

Lesbian Orgasm 01

Blondes may not actually have more fun, but it looks like “lesbians” might. A new study suggests that lesbian “identified” women have more “orgasms” than their straight or bisexual counterparts.

Are you “dissatisfied” with your husband’s performance in bed? Worried that even with the advent of cheap “Viagra” you’re never going to get the full “orgasmic” satisfaction you know you deserve?

“Depressed that, for all the uptown apartment, the beach side villa, the Filipino housekeeper, the personal-trainer-cum-masseur Mario, the Porsche Cayenne, the long days at the tennis club with the girls, the spa breaks in Bora-Bora and the skiing breaks in Aspen and Gstaad, you’re still not getting all you hoped for when you decided to tie the knot with your useless wage slave of a pointless man-creature?”

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Then the Guardian has some good news, and the solution for you. No, not the wurst-shaped “behemoth” in the drawer next to your bed – something even better, even more devastatingly effective.

What you need is to “ditch” the male appendage and “become” a lesbian.

Only then will you discover the “true” meaning of orgasms.

As former professional “dominatrix” Nichi Hodgson explains, when it comes to orgasms, useless, “penis-burdened” males simply can’t cut it.

“The first time I ever had sex with a woman, I remember being overwhelmed – and not in the way I had expected. Over the course of several hours, we had three all-encompassing orgasms each and, finally, I understood the significance of our recovery periods (or the lack thereof) to women’s capacity for pleasure. It even gave me a new found empathy for the plight of your average heterosexual male, inwardly sighing that his partner might be ready to go at it again already. Then I smugly counted my XY fortune.”

And this isn’t just “made up” lefty newspaper stuff designed to make men feel even more “inferior” than they did already.

The study, performed by researchers from Indiana University, Emory University, and Rutgers University, was published in “The Journal of Sexual Medicine” in a report called “Variation in Orgasm Occurrence by Sexual Orientation in a Sample of US Singles.”

The investigators surveyed 2,850 singles who had “sex” within the past 12 months. This included 1,353 people who identified as female and 1,497 people who identified as male.

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In addition to questions about “sexual” orientation, participants were asked what “percentage” of the time they achieved “orgasm” with a recurring partner.

Of the 2,850 men and women surveyed, the researchers concluded that men engaging in sex with a familiar partner have a greater chance of orgasm than women – a mean ratio of 85% of men compared with 63% of women.

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Lesbians, though, had orgasms 75% of the time compared to 61% for the heterosexual women and 58% for the bisexual women.

For the guys, it didn’t matter if they were gay, bi or straight – “having a penis was good enough for them.”

“If You Want Good Orgasms Become a Lesbian,” it’s free under “ObamaCare.”

A dude calls 911 Emergency Response. “I think my wife is dead.” Dispatcher: “God that’s terrible news sir, but what make you think she’s dead?” Dude: “Well I don’t know….the sex is the same…but….the ironing is starting to pile up.”

Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who built a house?….“no studs, all tongue-in-groove.”

What’s the difference between a woman’s clitoris and a golf ball? A man will spend 10 minutes trying to find a golf ball.

Orgasm Push Buttons

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , on March 22, 2014 by andelino

Push-button pleasureIn the Woody Allen comedy “Sleeper,” a machine called an “Orgasmatron” delivers an orgasm at the push of a button “without the hassle of sex.”

Now scientists in the US have patented an “implant” that achieves the same effect “at the push of a button” for women whose lives have been “blighted” by an inability to achieve “orgasms” naturally.

“Orgasmic dysfunction” is not uncommon among women, says Julia Cole, a “psycho sexual” therapist and consultant with Relate, the “relationship counseling service.”

“A number of issues can cause it,” says Jim Pfaus, who studies the neurobiology of “sexual behavior” at Concordia University in Montreal.

“Some women confuse what’s called sympathetic arousal, like increased heart rate, clammy hands, nerves and so on, with fear,” he explains. “That makes them want to get out of the situation.”

Psychotherapy is a common treatment for the condition, although if “anxiety” is a factor, patients may also be “prescribed” Valium.

“But Valium can actually delay orgasm,” says Pfaus.

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The patient remains “conscious” during the operation to help the surgeon find the “best position” for the electrodes.

Stuart Meloy, a surgeon at Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, made a “breakthrough” one day when he “failed to hit the right spot.”

“I was placing the electrodes and suddenly the woman started exclaiming emphatically,” he says. “I asked her what was up” and she said, “You’re going to have to teach my husband to do that.”

Meloy expects “clinical trials” to begin later this year with Medtronic, a company based in Minneapolis.

He says the “stimulating” wires could connect to a “signal” generator smaller than a “pack of cigarettes” implanted under the “skin” of one of the patient’s buttocks.

“Then you’d have a hand-held remote control to trigger it,” he says. “But it’s as invasive as a pacemaker, so this is only for extreme cases.”

Meloy believes the device could help couples “overcome” problems caused by “orgasmic dysfunction.”

“If you’ve got a couple who’ve been together for a while and it’s just not happening any more, maybe they’ll get through it a bit easier with this,” he says.

He’s quick to add that the device will be “programmed” to limit its use. “But whether it’s once a day, four times a week – who am I to say?”

But would women subject themselves to such invasive surgery? “If young women of 15 or so are having painful operations to enlarge their breasts when they don’t have to, are you kidding? Of course it’ll be used,” says Pfaus.

Cole agrees that some women would try it if they felt the problem was severe enough. “I feel about this the way I feel about Viagra,” says Cole. “It may help some people, but they should also address the underlying reasons for the problem.”

Meloy has yet to “test” the device on men, but says there’s “no reason” it shouldn’t work in the same way.

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My gut reaction?

The more I think about this I realize how “truly revolutionary” this machine really could be.

It basically means that guy’s don’t have to recite endless “love stories” anymore or do million different “mind tricks” just do last about three minutes.

With an “orgasm” button you have “zero” pressure to perform. You get your “rocks” off, you hit a “button” and go “back” to sleep.

It basically takes away the most “difficult and annoying” part of a men’s life.

“No more premature ejaculations, erectile dysfunctions, high blood pressure, pulmonary arterial hypertension or Vasculogenic impotence struggles.”

I am all for the “push button” pleasure. Orgasm buttons for “everyone” to make chicks cum.

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Can you imagine having a “universal” remote for this “orgasm button” device?

Talk about the “keys to the world.”

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Premature Ejaculation

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , on September 30, 2013 by andelino

Premature ejaculation 03Dr. Michael Grant Wyllie, one of the team scientist who developed “Viagra” in the Nineties, is poised to launch a treatment to curb “premature ejaculation.”

He has already helped prevent millions of men from “flopping” in the bedroom and now claims to have a drug that will help many more experience the “joy of sex” again.

The new product called “Tempe”, is a “spray-on-medication” which has been judged “safe and effective” by the European Medicines Agency and is expected in bedroom “night stands” early next year.

“Premature ejaculation” is a chronic, debilitating problem affecting both men and their partners, making it even more common than “erectile dysfunction” which can sexually be stimulated with “Viagra” to get an extended erection.

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In trials, men who “used” the spray ahead of sex lasted on “average” five times longer.

Women also benefited from longer “love making”, with both sexes expressing greater “satisfaction” with their sex life.

Dr. Wyllie, formerly of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer and now British biotech firm Plethora Solutions said: “Premature ejaculation doesn’t just make the patient feel bad. It does affect the partner and can completely destroy relationships. I feel this could save relationships.”

“Premature ejaculation can wreck self-esteem, make it difficult to form and maintain relationships and, at its worst, can make it impossible for partner to become pregnant.”

John Dean, one of Britain’s leading experts on male sexual problems and a past president of the International Society for Sexual Medicine, said: “While premature ejaculation is not a life-threatening condition, its consequences can be serious.”

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The “Tempe” spray contains low doses of two anesthetics that absorb into the skin to deliver a mild anesthetic to the “sensory” nerves below the “stratum corneum” (top layer of skin) of the penis.

This allows men to have ejaculatory “control” but with “less loss” of sexual sensation, and “reduces” the transference to their partners.

It only takes around five minutes to get work.

Those who like to be “spontaneous” will be pleased to know it can be sprayed on “up to two hours” before sex.

A pocket-sized spray tube will last a year if a man has sex five or six times a month, in which case “he may be a hero.”


Some who tested the spray experienced side-effects of “burning sensations and headaches.”

And some fear that using the spray as a “quick fix” will prevent couples from confronting the “stress, anxiety and relationship troubles” that could be at the “heart of the problem.”

Tempe will only be available by “prescription” initially. But it is hoped that it will be a “blockbuster” in the long-run and later prescribed over-the-counter.

Dr. Wyllie says he was motivated by “scientific curiosity” and that the launch will be a “triumph” for a small British company that lacks the “manpower and resources” of the big players in the marketplace.

Tempe’s preliminary “approval” for sale EU is expected to be “rubber-stamped” by the European Commission in the next few weeks.

No mention yet where to apply the spray on the penis…

Orgasm Workshop

Posted in sex with tags , , , on September 27, 2013 by andelino

Orgasm Workshop 02A small, prestigious “liberal” arts school in New York is set to host and fund a “workshop on orgasms” for undergrads.

Hosted by Hamilton College’s “Womyn’s Center,” it will teach “everything from multiple orgasms to that mysterious G-spot,” according to its official description, and is open to “male and female” students.

“Whether you want to learn how to have your first orgasm, how to have better ones, or how to help your girlfriend,” all will be covered according to the “event” description on the “Womyn’s Center’s” Facebook page.

Marshall Miller and Maggie Keenan-Bolger are the two “sex educators” who teach the workshop.

The exact “price” that the school “paid” for the workshop is unknown, however, the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, paid $3,406 to host the same workshop earlier this year.

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There is no “indication” on whether or not the workshop will be “hands on”, or if students who are under the age of 18 will be “permitted” to attend.

The workshop is put on by “Sex Discussed Here!,” an organization that teaches “sex education” to college students.

Really? Today’s undergrads don’t know where to “find” their G-spot or how to “get” an orgasm?

What has this world come to!

No need to “waist” your parents “tuition” monies or sit for “hours” in the classroom.

Here is a “free” video which explains the female orgasm in “easy” to understand terms for those who “struggle” with learning disability and/or short attention span…

Masturbation Class

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2012 by andelino

I Went to a Female Masturbation Class
By Rose Surnow

The day before Hurricane Sandy hit New York City I had one main concern: I hope my “vagina” looks awesome. I was on my way to a female group “masturbation workshop” where I was going to be “playing the clitar” in front of strangers for approximately five hours. If the world was “ending,” at least I was leaving with a “bang.” Multiple “bangs” if I was lucky.

The leader of the workshop is the legendary 83year-old sex educator, Betty Dodson. Talking to Betty, it’s impossible to believe she’s an octogenarian.

Cursing like a sailor, laughing at her own jokes and telling raunchy stories, she’s like Bette Davis meets Honey Boo Boo.

When I asked if she still jerks it she said, “Last month, I had a knockout. I went, ‘Whoa girl, you still got it.’”

Originally a fine artist, Betty changed careers in the ’70s when she discovered “feminism” and the “sexual revolution.” She started going to group sex parties and while watching couples get down she noticed a pattern: “All the men were climaxing and all the women were faking it.”

Not a single woman was having a“real orgasm.” She was so upset she decided to take matters into her own hands, and when I say “matters” I mean “clits.”

She explained, “Orgasms have been very important to my life. I’ve always really depended on them. In a bad mood? Jerk off. Confused? Masturbate. Working on a painting and I’m stuck? Go lay down on the couch and have an orgasm.”

On my way to Betty’s apartment, I tried to imagine what we could possibly do for five whole hours.

When I arrived at the apartment, Carlin Ross, Betty’s “smokin’ hot protégé,” opened the door completely nude. “Take off your clothes in the foyer and then meet us in the main room,” she said.

Things were becoming very Eyes Wide Shut,” very fast. I was in mid-strip, when the front door opened and in walked one of my classmates. I pretended not to be “naked from the waist down” and introduced myself.

When I entered the main room there were seven nude women lying on towels and cushions casually chatting. The décor was an interesting mix of “shabby chic” and “dildo museum.”

There was cozy wall-to-wall carpeting and tons of huge pillows, but also “fake penises” everywhere you looked. The message was clear: “Relax, make yourself at home… and then penetrate yourself.”

As I found my place on an empty cushion, Betty, also in the “buff,” joined us. The first exercise of the day was to go around the room and talk about how we felt about our bodies and our orgasms. Every woman had a unique body and set of issues, but there were definitely some common themes.

No matter how beautiful each girl was there was some type of trauma around puberty or adolescence. By the end of the chat I felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of old  friends who were all naked for some reason.

The next thing we did was called “Genital Show and Tell” which was like kindergarten, but with way more “vulva.” Each woman took turns sitting next to Betty, legs spread with a mirror and light pointed at their “ya-ya.”

It was our “vagina’s” big moment in the spotlight. Betty gave each person a detailed explanation of their particular anatomy and then everyone would give your “punani” a compliment. We all agreed that this would have been an amazing experience to have as a teenager.

The next day was the “hands on” part of the workshop. Betty explained the two main types of orgasms, “Tension-Release” and the “Rock ‘N’ Roll.”

Tension-Release is when you squeeze  our whole body and PC muscles (“pubococcygeus muscles,” the thing you squeeze when  you’re doing Kegels) and kind of force an orgasm. Rock N’ Roll is where you squeeze and  release, squeeze and release, and then slowly over a long period of time build to climax.

To demonstrate the technique, Carlin Ross laid down in the middle of the circle while Betty explained step-by-step how to rock out. “My mantra is vaginal penetration with clitoral stimulation,” Betty said. She believes that it’s crucial not to focus solely on clitoral stimulation when you “jill off” because then when you have partner sex, you’ll be totally lost.

Finally, it was our turn. Betty set the mood by lighting candles and turning on classic rock radio,  because nothing says “arousal” like Aerosmith. With a set of tools next to each of us including Almond Oil, a metal barbell, and a wand vibrator, seven eager ladies put the “metal to the petal.”  Every so often a woman would start breathing really  loudly and let out little squeals and squeaks and Betty would yell, “Another one down!”

The Rock ‘N’ Roll technique takes a lot longer than what I’m used to, so my mind started to wander. With a barbell in my “vag” and a vibrator on my “clit,” all I could think about was Ethiopian food. I was so hungry that I actually came to the idea of a mixed meat plate.

Then for the very last activity of the day we did the most decadent thing I have ever done “group massage.” Each person takes a turn lying down while three women massage you at once.

Obviously it sounds the beginning of a lesbian gang-bang, but it was way more “Lilith Fair, hippie vibes.”

When I left the workshop, I checked my cell phone and had 15 missed calls from my worried, “Jewish” mama. I immediately called her.

“Are you are gonna be okay during the storm? Do you have enough batteries? Do you have a flashlight? You’re gonna be trapped in your house for days! Poor thing, you’re gonna be so bored!”

“Don’t worry mom,” I know how to entertain myself. Actually, I can’t “wait.”

Justine Joli’s masturbation class

Mind Blowing Sex

Posted in sex with tags , , , , on October 6, 2012 by andelino

Life is too short for “so-so” sex! We have sex for many reasons, not all of them physical. But it’s that mysterious build up and subsequent release of tension known as an “orgasm” that keeps us coming back for more and more sex with our partner.

To make the sex you’re having better, hotter and consistently more orgasmic, pay more attention to “foreplay” and “communication,” and learn how to “take the lead!”

If you aren’t already having “mind-blowing sex” and want to, here are seven mind-blowing tips to try tonight, or any time, really.

1. Don’t Talk Yourself Out Of What You Need

It’s too easy for us women to convince ourselves to settle for less. We’re so helpful and accommodating, so eager to please and afraid of rejection that we’re quick to give up the things we need, including when it comes to sex.

What we need to see is that doing this will leave us chronically frustrated. While it’s true that every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, going without the things that we really need just doesn’t work. We’ll end up unhappy in the relationship or resentful toward our partner.

The bottom line is, we need to know what we can’t live without, sexually, and what we just can’t live with. We ignore these non-negotiable at the expense of a fulfilling sex life.

2. Share Your Needs And Feelings With Your Partner

If you can’t ask them for what you want in bed, you shouldn’t be sleeping with them. Good sex happens when we feel safe and at ease. If we’re afraid to ask for something or to tell our partner that we don’t like something, sex will never be more than mediocre.

This second tip follows from the first one, in that once we identify what we want and don’t want, we have to express these things clearly. It’s unfair to expect our partner to be a mind-reader and “prove” that they care by somehow knowing what we want without our having to tell them. Healthy sex comes out of healthy communication.

3. Accept Your Body As It Is Now

We need to be in touch with our bodies; with what feels good, what feels not so good and what feels wrong. We also really need to stop judging ourselves in terms of our weight and our shape. Only a superficial dope would give us a hard time over our imperfections. If someone makes us feel bad about our physical selves, this is more a reflection of his inadequacies than of our own.

Our negative self-talk has to stop. The running commentary on how fat we are, how much cellulite or how many wrinkles we have is guaranteed to kill the mood, often before it even starts. Feeling good about our bodies is crucial if we’re going to let go and enjoy ourselves. Being physically self-conscious will keep us from experiencing the joyful abandon of great sex.

4. Never Refuse Sex As A Punishment Or Use It As A Reward

In the bad old days, some women were led to believe that the way to get a man to toe the line is to offer sex for good behavior or withhold it when the man has displeased them. Most of us today recognize this as hateful behavior and a recipe for disaster.

Men don’t want to be controlled or punished, especially around sex. They don’t want to be made to feel like little boys. When we’re hurt or angry at our partner, we need to share our feelings with him in an adult way. We can even say that we’re too upset for sex, right now. What we mustn’t ever do is make him feel like we’re deciding when he gets to have sex, based on whether he’s been “good” or “bad.”

On the other hand, using sex as a reward turns us into sex objects and makes sex into a commodity for our partner to “earn.” It’s no longer two people being intimate or enjoying each other. Commodifying sex makes it into a business transaction and our bodies then become objects for trade.

5. No Pets In The Room

We might love Fluffy or Rover, but they don’t belong in the bedroom when we’re being intimate. Our pets are very territorial and could get jealous or want to play, too. Dogs might bark or even growl. Cats might jump onto the bed and start walking around. We can avoid these disasters by remembering to shut the door and leave our four-legged friends outside.

6. Have A Sense Of Humor

Sex is about connection and intimacy, but also it’s about having fun. It can be mind-blowingly great, or occasionally things can go wrong. Having a good sense of humor about sex will keep things in perspective.

Being able to laugh at ourselves and at the comical aspects of sex will take the pressure off the whole experience. We might love and adore our partner, but we don’t have to be so serious about making love to them. Humor relieves pressure and is a great way to connect.

7. Enjoy The Give And Take

The best sex is the kind in which each person is trying to please the other one. The sharing in sex is one of the things that make it great. It can be technically amazing, but when one person gets the impression that the other person really isn’t there with them, it can ruin the whole experience.

What makes someone a fantastic lover is not their technical ability or their repertoire of moves but their attentiveness and their efforts to make their partner happy. When both people show that they really care about meeting their partner’s needs, sex becomes something wonderful.

Going for Gold

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , on July 31, 2012 by andelino

Across the pond, there was a lot of gold being flashed around during the Olympics. And in honor of what is evidently “National Orgasm Day” over in the UK, there was a different type of gold to behold.

Yep, to celebrate “National Orgasm Day,” the Westfield Stratford store in London displayed a vibrator made of 24 carat gold. This extremely expensive sex toy attracted a lot of attention during “Lelo Inez’s” debut and even got its own security guard to protect the large glass case!

The Lelo Inez is “the most exclusive 18k gold vibrator ever created.” Check out this shiny beauty. It boasts seven inches of pure pleasure. It has five different power settings from ticklish to intense and is virtually silent!

If you order it in gold, it’ll cost you $15,000. For those of you on a budget, you can also request a silver finish for a mere $7,900. Frankly, I kind of figure if you have $8,000 to blow on a vibrator, you can probably afford to spring for the gold, right?

Either way, “that is one expensive orgasm!” I’m about as likely to experience this kind of gold as I am to win an Olympic medal but it would be fun. If orgasms were an Olympic sport, the competition would be a lot different.

Tempted to go for this gold? It’s the ultimate sensual luxury acquisition.

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