The Milk Sprayer

A mother came up with an unusual tactic to steal from a pharmacy.

Police in Darmstadt, Germany are hunting a “busty” female who decided to “steal” from a pharmacy by “spraying” the clerk with her “breast” milk.

The woman, dubbed “The Milk Sprayer”, between the age 35 and 40, bought a 20 Euro “vacuum pump” from the drugstore and “paid” for it with a 200 Euro note.

As the cashier tried to give her 180 Euros in change, the “lactating bandit” ripped open her blouse, “pulled out” one of her “engorged” breasts and sprayed “breast milk” into the clerk’s eyes to “prevent” him from seeing her other hand “removing” cash from the drawer, according to police spokesman Ferdinand Derigs.

“She then moved on to the second cashier and sent an eyeful in her direction” too.

Employees said she “exerted pressure with her fingers to spray us with milk.”

Police say after the breast milk “attack” the woman fumbled around the store “feigning” confusion.

Ignoring the “pleas” of staff and customers to cover herself up she was “forced” out the door, with her “breasts still on display,” when employees discovered 100 Euros “missing” from the cash register.

“She created the confusion to steal,” added Derigs. This was a most “unusual” strange crime. We have never dealt with such a “lactating” robbery before.”

The woman was described as “strong, with long dark hair tied into a pony tail” and she spoke in a “foreign” language.

Apparently satisfied with her “handiwork,” she left the “breast pump and the change” behind that she paid for.

In essence, she “paid” 200 Euros to “steal” 100 Euros. Not exactly a great progressive “financial” move.

What I find to be most “appalling” is that it took this shocking “breast milk” robbery to make our progressives finally recognize what the “rest of us” have known for centuries: “There must be strict breast control laws.”

But, apparently, not all “progressive” have experienced this epiphany. Noted “lactation” author Gabrielle Palmer “strenuously” objected to any proposal for “breast-control laws.”

Regarding such proposals she said: “That’s not what I meant in my book subtitled: “When Breasts Are Bad for Business.”

Objecting Bloomberg’s proposal to ban “high-capacity breasts,” Hillary Clinton made it clear that “high-capacity breasts” deserve “admiration” rather than “condemnation.”

Also “rebuking” Bloomberg for his proposal, Sen. Elizabeth “Fauxcohontas” Warren said, “To ban high-capacity breasts would constitute a sexist insult to me since I was the first woman to take the N.J. Bar exam while breastfeeding.”

It would also constitute an “insult” to the memory of my predecessor whom I “defeated” in the Senate race in Massachusetts, who, in his “heydays,” was best known for his “high-capacity Man Boobs.”

Even worse, it appears that Australia, which had until recently been making steadily “progressive” progress has now afforded “political” recognition for the “Right to Bare Breasts,” especially at political and “electoral” events even though they still reject the “Right to Bear Arms”.

Indeed, an “objective” observer would say that Australian “politics” have gone “topless” and are now dominated by “high-capacity” breasts.

Don’t squeeze, I am lactating.

And, as often is the case, when you live a life of “cultural isolation” at Buckingham Palace, Prince Charles “behavior” can be misinterpret by women as being “groped” against their will.

Heavenly Residence

Former New York City mayor Michael R. Bloomberg believes he’s going “straight” to heaven after working to eliminate “smoking, obesity,” and his efforts to “promote gun control.”

Here’s the full context of Bloomberg’s heaven quotation:

“Mr. Bloomberg was introspective as he spoke, and seemed both restless and wistful. When he sat down for the interview, it was a few days before his 50th college reunion. His mortality has started dawning on him, at 72. And he admitted he was a bit taken aback by how many of his former classmates had been appearing in the “in memoriam” pages of his school newsletter. But if he senses that he may not have as much time left as he would like, he has little doubt about what would await him at a Judgment Day. Pointing to his work on gun safety, obesity and smoking cessation, he said with a grin: “I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It’s not even close.”

As for the “gun control” push, Bloomberg wants gun rights advocates to “fear” him.

He plans to spend $50 million this year building a nationwide “grass-roots network” to motivate low information voters who feel strongly about “curbing” gun violence, an organization he hopes can eventually “out muscle” the National Rifle Association.

“We’ve got to make them afraid of us,” he said.

Bloomberg plans to merge his “Mayors Against Illegal Guns” and “Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America” into a new group called “Every town for Gun Safety.”

Maybe the four “blood moons” encouraged Michael to do some “soul” searching of “late” to purchase a “heavenly residence” in the great hereafter.

Has “communism” added a touch of “deism” to its Jewish “atheism” as a sort of “insurance” policy?

Since Bloomberg is a “non-believing” Jew he must be “quoting” the Old Testament.

I think the New Testament application is “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven,” unless he donates heavily to gun control.

This should at least dispel the “outdated” belief that you can’t “buy” your way into heaven.

According to the Bible, Jesus died for “sinners” who didn’t have enough money to “purchase” heaven on their own.

Sorry Michael, I don’t believe the “Apostle of Affluence” theory.

Now, go in “peace” and spread your “gospel” to the “one” percenter.