Archive for jimmy kimmel

2019 Election Voter Guide

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 30, 2019 by andelino

Picture credit belongs to Evil Smiley.

Confused about who to “vote” for in the November 2019 elections?

To help you make “informed” decisions, here is your personalized official online “Voter Guide” designed to navigate the “wannabee” candidates running for office.

With a new “election season upon us, all of the “challengers” to President Trump are “rushing” to publish their own books “modeled” upon President Trump’s own bestseller, “The Art of the Deal”.

Carlos Danger’s book release comes with his own musical video “You better take it to the Bridge.” James’ lyrics helped him overcome his “anxiety” before he texted “Selfies”of his member to his female friends.

Thus far most of the major “candidates” have come up with their own take on the popular “genre.”

We have yet to see who will come out “squealing” on top!

Since we’re talking books here, I added “Winners Aren’t Losers”, ghostwritten by Jimmy Kimmel on behalf of President Donald Trump.

What’s In My Pants

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on November 3, 2017 by andelino

In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein firestorm, a video has surfaced showing Jimmy Kimmel, who has been praised by many on the Left as a spokesman for their agenda, and sort of a moral compass, has had his own issues with “sexism,” nowhere near Weinstein’s level of “depravity,” but still decidedly “uncomfortable” to look at in retrospect.

In the video, speaking to a pretty young blonde, Kimmel announces, “I’ve stuffed something in my pants, and you’re welcome to feel around on the outside of the pants. You have then ten seconds to guess what it is in my pants.”

As the blonde starts to “grope his crotch,” Kimmel instructs, “You should use two hands.”

The next shot is of a brunette “groping” Kimmel’s crotch, as he comments, “You’ve done this before, haven’t you.”

Following that, another blonde is on her knees before him, “groping” him, as Kimmel tells her, “Maybe it would be easier if you put your mouth on it.”

The next shot is of Kimmel addressing yet another pretty blonde, asking her, “How old are you?” When she answers, “Eighteen,” he asks, “You sure of that? Cause old Jimmy doesn’t need to do time.”

Back to woman number one, fully “groping” him, as Kimmel quips, “You’re going to make a fine wife.”

Back to woman number two, as Kimmel asks her, “And your guess is?” She replies, “A vibrator?”

Kimmel tells her, “A vibrator?” Then he pulls out an object from his pants, announcing, “No, it is actually a zucchini with a rubber band on it. But you could use it as a vibrator with a rubber band on it. Look,” as he vibrates it in his hand.

The “ever-holy-and-independent-thinking” Jimmy Kimmel also “sexually harasses and objectifies” women. For instance, he made “well-endowed” women jump on trampolines for his and his viewers’ “sexual gratification.”

He once hosted a show called “The Man Show” were he was “implying” that TV should be exclusively for “men and non-inclusive of women and agender-neutral trannies.”

Here are some tidbits about Jimmy Kimmel…

Jimmy Kimmel cares so much about everyone, that he tip-toes past medicine cabinets so he doesn’t wake up any sleeping pills.

How do you keep Jimmy Kimmel busy between tapings? Give him a piece of paper that says “flip” on both sides.

Why does Jimmy Kimmel have to always be reminded to get out of the shower? Because his shampoo bottle says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Kimmel’s handlers also have to be careful about leaving him with orange juice containers: they say “concentrate,” and he winds up staring at them for hours.

Why did the Jimmy Kimmel get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months? Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”

Jimmy Kimmel’s secret dream is to be Vanna White. No, it’s not an Obama transvestite fantasy: Kimmel wants to actually learn the alphabet.

Speaking of which, Kimmel’s other secret fantasy has actually come true: he finally got a boob job – the only job he’s truly qualified for.

What did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife say when she found out she was pregnant? “I wonder if it’s mine.”

When did Jimmy Kimmel almost drown? When he spotted a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Jimmy Kimmel and his wife walked into a building. Neither of them saw it coming.

How do you confuse Jimmy Kimmel? Put him in a circle and tell him to sit in the corner.

Why did Jimmy Kimmel bring a ladder to his first Hollywood party? Whoever invited him told him all the drinks were on the house.

How do you force Jimmy Kimmel to repeat stupid ideas? You don’t have to. He was born that way.

Why did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife put lipstick on her forehead? She was desperately trying to make up her mind.

Why can’t Jimmy Kimmel ever successfully dial 911? He can’t find the eleven.

Why does Jimmy Kimmel always hold his ears? Because he’s desperately trying to hold in an original thought.

Jimmy Kimmel asked his wife why she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

His whole life, Jimmy Kimmel’s parents harassed him to stop acting like a flamingo. He had enough, and finally put his foot down.

Jimmy Kimmel once poured root beer in a square glass. To this day, he can’t understand why he now just has a beer.

A child asked Jimmy Kimmel: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Kimmel answered: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Kimmel and his wife were overheard having an argument. His wife insisted, “Nothing rhymes with orange!”Kimmel was heard saying, “No it doesn’t!”

Arguing his expertise on religion, Kimmel said to a Priest: “So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world!”

Kimmel and his wife blindfolded themselves and walked into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Asked why he always carries around a step ladder, Kimmel answered, “I never knew my real ladder.”

The Jimmy Kimmel Show director shouted to Jimmy Kimmel: “I need you to get to the other side of the stage!” Puzzled, Kimmel relied, “I am on the other side!”

Before you criticize Jimmy Kimmel, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’re a mile away and have his shoes.

How did Kimmel’s wife get him to stop biting his nails? She made him wear shoes.

What did God say after creating Kimmel? I can do so much better.

What does it mean if Kimmel is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain? “Jimmy Kimmel.”

Why does Kimmel whistle when he’s sitting on the toilet? Because it helps him remember which end he needs to wipe.

What has 12 arms and an IQ of 60? Jimmy Kimmel and his staff of ten.

What’s the difference between Big Foot and Kimmel’s brain? Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Why does Jimmy Kimmel whine? Because he’s practicing to be a man.

Here you can find more “gems” from the “ever-holy-and-independent-thinking” #Kimmel.

Jimmy Kimmel was a vulgar comic long before he was “America’s conscience”

Jimmy Kimmel Defends Disgraced Sex Predator Harvey Weinstein

Late Night Hosts So Disgusted By Harvey Weinstein Scandal They Refuse To Even Mention His Name

Harvey Weinstein the Dems’ inconvenient truth

Serial Child Molester

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 13, 2016 by andelino

Denis Hastert 01

Serial Child Molester “Dennis Hastert,” former Speaker of the House and “third in line” to the presidency, was sentenced to “only” 15 months in federal prison.

In this “wrist slap” sentence Judge Thomas Durkin spoke the plain truth: “The defendant is a serial child molester.”

Durkin reserved most of his “ire” not for Hastert’s recent “violations” of federal law, the ones for which he was “officially” being sentenced, but for his “unpunished” and “nonpunishable” state crimes because the “statute of limitations” had run out on potential “molestation” charges.

…Some actions can obliterate a lifetime of good works. Nothing is more stunning than having the words “serial child molester” and “speaker of the House” in the same sentence. Nothing is more disturbing than having the words “child molester” and “coach” and “teacher” in the same sentence….

….Your actions with the young people you abused violated the trust that students put in their teachers, their coaches, and their mentors. Your actions were cynical. You abused those who either wouldn’t or couldn’t cry out for fear they would not be believed and were trying to discredit a beloved coach, or for fear they would be ostracized by their friends….

….Had this conduct been uncovered near the time when it occurred, a grand jury sitting in Kendall County would have indicted you, a jury likely would have convicted you, and you likely would have been sentenced to decades in a state prison….

….This conduct is relevant to your history and characteristics no matter how old it is. Some conduct is unforgivable no matter how old it is….

….My sentence today can’t legally or properly be a sentence for child molestation, and I don’t want it in any way to be perceived that the sentence here measures the harm caused by the child molestation….

….In the end, that would have to be a state court judge sentencing you for a conviction of child molestation, and the sentence in this case can never be as long as the time the victims and their families have suffered….

All of this may seem like a “remarkable” breakthrough for those seeking to “expose” political pedophilia and a “vindication” for those who have been ringing the “alarm bell” about Hastert for over a decade.

Denis Hastert 05

But Hastert was not “convicted” for his sexual child abuses. And the “molestation” that is now coming to light has nothing to do with the “child sex tourism, drug money laundering, or other illegal activities” he participated in during his time in office.

In fact, this “quasi-vindication” may itself perpetuate the “cover-up” of his worst crimes and the “criminals” who still retain power in “elite political circles” today.

Jimmy Kimmel “eviscerated” Dennis Hastert  after he was sentenced to 15 months in jail for his role in a “hush money” scandal surrounding his “sexual abuse” of children.

Referring to the media’s “hypocrisy” surrounding the “coverage” Kimmel said, rather bewildered, “For some reason, this is not a big story.”

For those who haven’t been following the story, Kimmel explained some of the details:

“From 1999 to 2007, he was Speaker of the House. During which time, he called on lawmakers to ‘put repeat child molesters in a jail for the rest of their lives.’ Today, he got 15 months for that. He also is the guy who led the impeachment of Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal presumably because it was consensual sex with an adult woman.”

Kimmel also blasted the 5 former congressmen and 36 other individuals who wrote to the judge asking for “leniency” for Hastert.

Particularly, Kimmel “singled out” former GOP House Majority Leader and “convicted money laundering felon” Tom DeLay.

Denis Hastert 04

DeLay wrote, “He is a good man that loves the Lord. He gets his integrity and values from Him. He doesn’t deserve what he is going through. I ask that you consider the man that is before you and give him leniency where you can.”

Kimmel wasn’t having it: “He doesn’t deserve through? He abused at least five boys when he was their wrestling coach! He had a reclining chair set up in front of the shower so he could watch them take showers. Jared from Subway right now is going, ‘Why the hell didn’t I run for Speaker of the House?’”

Why isn’t being an admitted “serial child molester” a bigger story?  What about the “emotional” damage that has been “inflicted” on his “sexually abused” victims?

Denis Hastert 03

This isn’t a “Republican/Democrat” or “Liberal/Conservative” deal.

It’s a “personal” life thing. This is a man who claimed a “moral” high ground, family “values” and “faith” in God.

This hypocrite “monster” held the former house speaker position “longer than anyone else” in our nation’s history.

Can you imagine, if the President and Vice President “died,” this guy would have been “3rd in line” for the presidency.

Not to mention the overall “Frank Underwood” type of power he held in Congress. Whether you like it or not, he had a “direct” impact on all of our lives.

Denis Hastert 02

While some justice was “served” in relation to Hastert’s financial crimes, his relatively light sentence highlights the ways in which sentencing is often unevenly and unfairly applied.

Much of the “severe” sentencing in the U.S. affects “disproportionately” minorities, “black” men in particular.

According to the ACLU, black men are typically given sentences that are 20% longer than white men.

As of 2012, there were 3,278 people serving lifetime prison sentences without chance for parole for “drug and other non-violent” offenses.

These offense include possessing a “crack pipe, trying to cash a stolen check, and shoplifting.”

None of the following people have “molested” children or “hurt” people in the ways that Dennis Hastert has, but they will all probably “spend the rest of their lives behind bars.”

In 1996, Timothy Jackson was sentenced to life in prison for shoplifting a $159 jacket.
In 1995, Ramona Brant was sentenced to life in prison for “conspiracy to possess and distribute cocaine.” She was granted clemency in 2015 and released earlier this year.
In 1997, Alice Marie Johnson was sentenced to life in prison for “Attempted Possession” of cocaine.
In 2008, Fate Vincent Winslow was sentenced to life in prison for selling two $10 bags of marijuana.
In 2009, Patrick W. Matthews was sentenced to life in prison for stealing a welding machine.
Earlier this year Willie Lee Conner was sentenced to life in prison for stealing a roof nailer from a hardware store.
Earlier this month Jacobia Grime stole $31 worth of candy from a dollar store. He’s now facing a lifetime in prison.

Here we have a “serial child molester” monster paying “hush money” to a victim of sexual abuse and he gets a “paltry” 15 months  jail time for “illegal” financial cash withdrawals.

Apparently Hastert’s “supporters” and the “judge” think he has been through “enough,” and that further “punishment” would be cruel because he is “old and sick.”

So much for those boasting about “family values” and how “morally superior” they are.

They’re “happy” to send you to “jail for life” for smoking pot but for “molesting” kids? A “slap on the wrist” is sufficient.

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