The Second Coming

Left-wing media network CNN welcomed disgraced “zoom masturbator” Jeffrey Toobin back to the airwaves, seven months after the legal analyst was granted “time off” for a “personal issue” after taking his dick out and “masturbating” in front of colleagues on a Zoom call.

Appearing as a guest alongside host Alisyn Camerota, and filmed from the waist up, the “disgraced” analyst sought to atone for the masturbation scandal that cost him his job as a columnist for the New Yorker. Unlike CNN, the publication deemed his termination necessary to foster “an environment where everyone feels respected and upholds our standards of conduct.”

Camerota introduced Toobin by laying out the details of the incident. “I feel like we should address what’s happened in the months since we’ve seen you, since some of our viewers may not know what has happened, so I guess I’ll recap,” she said.

“In October, you were on a Zoom call with your colleagues from the New Yorker magazine. Everyone took a break for several minutes, during which time you were caught masturbating on camera. You were subsequently fired from that job after 27 years of working there, and you since then have been on leave from CNN. Do I have all that right?”

She did. Toobin began with a qualified defense of his actions during that fateful call. “I didn’t think other people could see,” he said. “That is part of the story.” He went on to describe the “miserable” seven months he has spent “trying to be a better person” by going to sex therapy and working in a food bank.

Toobin said he had spoken to several of his former colleagues at the New Yorker, who were “excited and encouraged” by what they saw that day. They ultimately realized, he said, that his masturbating “was intended for them,” which presumably came as a relief.

“I’m a flawed human being who makes mistakes,” said Toobin, who once had a nearly decade-long “extramarital” affair with Casey Greenfield, the 20-something daughter of a former CBS colleague. When Toobin’s mistress informed him she was pregnant, according to the New York Times, he “questioned the paternity, balked at submitting to a test, and vowed to take no responsibility for a baby he wasn’t sure was his.” He eventually acknowledged paternity after being sued for child support.

Camerota and Toobin went on to imply that the New Yorker overreacted by firing him for masturbating in front of his colleagues. “I thought this punishment was excessive,” he said. “I am incredibly grateful to CNN for taking me back.” Being a journalist has taught him that “not every crime deserves the death penalty.” In any event, he boasted, it was pretty cool to see his public masturbation memorialized in “two segments on Saturday Night Live.”

Toobin did his best to assure viewers that his days of masturbating on camera were behind him.”I don’t think there is anything further that is going to come out,” he said, inartfully.

We can only hope.

New CNN Motto: Make Better Mistakes

Vaccine Induced Disease

Have you experienced an unexplained prolonged “priapism” out of nowhere that “refuses” to calm down even after applying an “ice pack”?

Doctors are now saying you could be dealing with a “rare” COVID complication that could leave you in a horrible predicament. Researchers now believe the “Vaccine Induced Disease” (VID) can leave you with “priapism” for many hours without “external” stimulation.

That’s right, the “VID” can cause you to “bone up and remain stuck” in that situation for hours upon hours, according to Ohio doctors who wrote in the “American Journal of Emergency Medicine” about a patient who was “dying” from COVID, but then nurses noticed he was “erect.”

“The blood was drained from the patient’s penis and the erection issue was taken care of, but the man eventually died from the disease,” the doctor’s wrote.

In June, a separate case also published in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine reported a similar situation: A 62-year-old who had contracted the coronavirus experienced an ice pack-resistant four-hour erection which also needed to be drained with a needle and is believed to have been caused by blood clots.  Before contracting the novel disease, the man had no history of blood clots.

In August 2020, an obese 69-year-old was admitted to Dayton, Ohio’s Miami Valley Hospital with a bad case of the “coronavirus.”  The anonymous man, who eventually died from other complications of the virus, was experiencing severe breathlessness, inflammation, and had fluid buildup in his lungs.

Medical personnel sedated him before placing him on a ventilator, but his condition continued to deteriorate.  After 10 days, his lungs began failing, and the man was turned face down, an emergency technique used to help air better move throughout his body.

After 12 hours, when medics turned him face up again, the nurses noticed that his “shaft” was erect. After three hours, unable to fix the situation with an ice pack, medics drained the man’s penis of blood with a needle, successfully fixing the bout of priapism. The man was unconscious throughout.

“Priapism did not reoccur,” three Miami Valley hospital doctors wrote in a report on the patient in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine. However, his lungs did not recover, and the patient ultimately died in the ICU.

Medical professionals say the symptom is likely caused by an immune overreaction called a “cytokine storm,” and makes sense as a side effect of COVID, which is known to cause blood clots. Unaffiliated doctors say that priapism is still an “interesting” manifestation of the disease.

“We haven’t seen any cases of COVID-related priapism like this, and we have dealt with more COVID patients than any other European hospital as far as I’m aware, so this is clearly a rare but explainable manifestation of COVID,” consultant urological surgeon Dr. Richard Viney of Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham told the Daily Mail.

“In this patient, he had low flow priapism which would certainly fit with micro emboli (little clots forming in smaller blood vessels) and this is one of the complications of COVID we see in many other organ systems.”

 

As if us guys don’t have enough to worry about in life like cutting the grass on Thursday night so the yard looks amazing for the weekend, now we have to be concerned every time a mystery erection comes along.

It could be the wind blowing in the correct direction. It could be making initial eye contact with a beautiful golf course. It could be caused at work while thinking about crushing multiple beers on a Saturday while the kids are at grandma’s and your wife is out doing who knows what with her girlfriends. Or pleats.

Women think erections are the result of one thing, sex. Us men know they can be caused via a variety of arousing situations. What doctors are telling you here is that if that bone cause by the wind doesn’t settle down in the normal time frame, you need to have that thing checked out.

You could have a “Vaccine Induced Disease” (VID). In other words, just be careful out there, fellas. “Bone safety first.”

 One could spend hours just breaking down Brian Stelter’s weekly “dishonest spin-jobs” on his show, “Reliable Sources.” On a recent Sunday, however, Stelter pulled back the curtain to show viewers what it looks like when he does TV reporting from home in his “underwear.” Yes, you read that correctly, thus, turn away now, if needed:

“Why would Stelter air this clip of him doing a live shot without pants on his own show? pic.twitter.com/uiR9Y65aMm — Watchdog (@LibWatchdog) March 7, 2021

 

 In all fairness to Brian Stelter, it could be that he had a “priapism” from mimicking Jeffrey Toobin “lubin his tubin” during his CNN Zoom news live shot from home.