Muhammad resigns as Prophet

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2017 by andelino

On the heels of this week’s “resignation” of Karl Marx as leading figure in the “communist” movement due to allegations of sexual misconduct, the triggered social justice organizers of the “#MeToo” collective have claimed the scalp of another progressive icon.

At a press conference, supported by her family and lawyers, a woman named Aisha claimed that she was “consumed” as a bride by Prophet Muhammad when she was nine years old. When asked why it took so long for her to come out, she stated that she feared “nobody” would believe her since the testimony of a woman is not worth a lot in her social circle. The crying woman also confessed that Muhammad used to beat her when she displeased him, and she feared physical retribution.

The lawyer representing the accused prophet, denied the gravity of the accusations, saying that everyone was doing it at the time,” and that his client “did not remember the situation in quite the same way.”

But later that day more stories emerged from other victims, encouraged by Aisha’s testimony and resulting in the viral “#MuhammadToo” campaign on Twitter.

The first ones to come out were members of a Muslim Boy Scout group, who claimed that Muhammad ordered their fathers to beat them if they refused to pray. They were followed by a slave girl who was a victim of sex trafficking and claimed that the Prophet of Islam was present while she was being gang-raped shortly after his companions captured her and turned her into a sex slave.

These revelations led the Grand Imam Ahmed Muhammad Ahmed el-Tayeb, the prestigious Islamic university in Cairo, to issue a statement, calling on Muhammad to step aside. “I’ve struggled with this decision because he’s been a good Prophet, and I consider him a friend,” the statement said. “But that cannot excuse his behavior and his mistreatment of women.”

Reacting to pressure from colleagues and the media, Muhammad called a press conference and “declared” that after a good deal of “soul-searching and consulting” with his family members and lawyers, he finally made the tough decision to “step down as prophet,” a move that many in the Muslim community saw as a “shock,” followed by a sudden sense of “relief.”

The first world leader to “respond” was the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei of Iran. “I consider Muhammad a dear friend and respect his accomplishments, but he has a higher obligation to his believers,” Mr. Khamenei said in a short statement. “Now that his legacy is tainted beyond repair, I call for the immediate dissolution of Islam as an ideology and a political movement. We are making preparations to convert the Islamic Republic of Iran back to Zoroastrianism immediately. Praise Zarathustra.”

Worldwide, Muslims are now “discovering” further evidence of Muhammad’s past “misdeeds” in the Islamic holy texts, which has “remained” overlooked for 14 centuries, despite having been “reproduced” in millions of Qur’an copies, written or printed in black ink on white paper.

“If only I had known!” cried King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who spoke on behalf of the world’s majority of Muslims. “Now that I’m reading the Qur’an more thoroughly, I’m suddenly finding all kinds of sexual misconduct and other improper behavior. All this talk about killing apostates, terrorism, and torture. Who could have guessed? He seemed like such a nice gentleman.”

King Salman has not yet made a “decision” on what new replacement religion he will impose on his country, but insiders have indicated he is “showing an interest in Judaism.”

People in the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank celebrated the “resignation” today by dancing in the streets and “passing” out candy to children. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, insisted that from now on he wanted to be known only as “Mr. Mo” and described the new faith of his people as “officially atheist.”

With no more reason for “strife and jihad” to continue, Mr. Mo set up a telephone call with Israel’s PM Benjamin Netanyahu, proposing to start “negotiations” about the incorporation of the territories previously “controlled” by the PLO and HAMAS into the state of Israel. “Because after all,” the PLO leader explained, “their army has hotter chicks.”

Linda Sarsour was seen “entering” a nunnery. According to inside sources, she will henceforth be known as “Sister Linda of the Sacred Heart.” The abbess declined an interview, saying only that “Sister Linda has taken a vow of silence, to atone for her sins. Leave her alone. She has suffered enough.”

The website The Religion of Peace, known to keep track of “jihad terror” worldwide, has acknowledged a complete lack of new material since Muhammad’s resignation and announced that it will probably have to shut down. “The world seems to have suddenly become a less violent and a much safer place,” their editorial stated, asking readers to contact them if they find a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon.

Manufacturers of real news, CNN and BBC, were quick to point out that this newfound “tranquility” should not make us jump to conclusions, stressing that “world peace has nothing to do with the disappearance of Islam, and saying otherwise makes one a bigoted racist or maybe even a Trump supporter.”

For the readers who would like to “learn” more about the now “abolished” religion known as “Islam,” we heartily recommend the new, guaranteed “Non-Fake-News” publication, The Gospel According to Muhammad.

It is available on Amazon. Buy your copy now, before the thought police raids out clandestine printing machines.

The Gospel according to Muhammad with thrilling new stories
ANTIFA tears down statue of Muhammad
Muhammad cartoon festival’s winning drawing

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Merry Christmas

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 24, 2017 by andelino

There’s simply no way that an “active” president will have the courage to say “Merry Christmas”. It’s too dangerous. The political “fallout” would be too intense.

Nothing says “Merry Resistmas” like topping a Christmas tree with the “holy” Hillary Clinton, clad in her “iconic power suit with angelic wings.”

For a “mere” $107, the nonprofit Women To Look Up To is making that “nightmare” a reality.

“Those looking to celebrate ‘Resistmas’ now have the perfect accessory: A Hillary Clinton Fallen Angel? Who would have thought SATAN would get his very own Christmas Ornament?” https://t.co/q8d5iytyQp, pic.twitter.com/M8LwimCysS — Based Basterd (@Based_Basterd) December 6, 2017

“The most presidential of tree toppers,” the description reads. 3D printed to order with pinpoint accuracy, with a simple wire tie threaded through holes on her back to safely secure to your tree.

“She’s the former First Lady of Christmas Tree Decorations.” The “Public (10ft+)” sized Clinton angel sells for a whopping $937.

“Hillary Clinton is the first woman to achieve a major party nomination for President of the United States and failing twice. Serving as Secretary for State, and former First Lady, she is a woman steeped in ‘What Happening’ successes, but not deterred by failure.”

“A strong believer in role models because ‘how can you imagine doing anything if you can’t see?’” Followers of the “Join the #Resistmas” promote causes like “illegal immigrants, abortion, transgender issues and climate change.”

Angel Clinton stands among other idols like “Beyonce, Serena Williams, Michelle Obama, Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Jackson Lee” and others as role models for women.

“Celebrate ‘Resistmas’ this year with these bad ass women on top of your Christmas tree” https://t.co/QLJ3oJAoKC— Metro Lifestyle (@MetroUK_Life) December 3, 2017

“This is beyond lunacy and the Clinton one should have horns, a tail and should state ‘DEVIANT LUCIFERIAN’” posted Stuck in Ca on Twitter.

“Really? Resisters have Christmas trees? C’mon!” WilliamJaxFI wrote.

“You couldn’t PAY me to put Killary on a Christmas Tree. SHE is the devil incarnate not an angel,” Lynn Parker added.

“Make. It. Stop. Dreaming of a What Happened Christmas: Lib Media Gushes Over Hillary Clinton ‘Resistmas’ Christmas Tree Angel.” #FoxAndFriends https://t.co/crNKvc66D0 — Tosca Austen (@ToscaAusten) December 6, 2017

“Just what we need. A tree topper, anti-Christ Hillary, who won’t go away, to barge into the yuletide season and monitor us from an exalted potion atop our Christmas Trees.”

“It if wasn’t so expensive, I’d give them as gag gifts,” Kelly wrote.

“Just like the real Hillary it’s overpriced, entirely artificial, smells of fish nog, and can’t quite reach the ceiling,” another added.

The Clinton angel tree-topper isn’t the first time her followers have “linked” Hillary to the “divine.”

An all-women’s choir “performing” at a Clinton rally in 2015 “replaced” Jesus with the former first lady in a special “rendition” of the old gospel tune “Woke Up This Morning With My Mind On Jesus” by the great Mavis Staples.

A video of the “ditty” shows a large choir of women belting out a “politicized” version of the song…

Woke up this mornin’ with my mind, stayin’ on Hillary
Woke up this mornin’ with my mind, stayin’ on Hillary
Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Here’s the original song…

Now here’s a treetop angel…

I truly believe that America is on the comeback trail!

“Merry Christmas” everyone!

Time To Exit The U.N.

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 23, 2017 by andelino

The U.S. will “remember” those countries that voted for a UN resolution “condemning” our decision to declare Jerusalem the capital of Israel, especially when the UN comes “begging” for even more money.

Out of 193 member nations, the U.S. annually pays the UN more than 183 of those countries combined, approx. $8 billion per year. And if peacekeeping costs are included, the numbers get even higher.

There are over a dozen other U.N. agencies and operations that American dollars also support. The single largest is “peacekeeping” with a price tag of about $7.8 billion this year alone. The U.S. share of that cost is over 28 percent, or $2.2 billion.

The Donald Trump administration has drafted an executive order that would cut U.S. payments to the United Nations by as much as 40 percent. Trump has also indicated he will consider “punishing” countries to which we give billions and billions in aid each year, yet they don’t “support” us at the UN.

Look how much Trump could save American taxpayers just by “cutting” foreign aid to a few Muslim countries: Egypt $1.381 billion, Jordan $1 billion dollars, The Palestinian Authority $300 million, Lebanon $103 million, Iraq $347 million. Afghanistan $726 million, Pakistan $329 million, Iraq 258 million dollars, Bangladesh $175 million, Nigeria $373 million and Indonesia $178 million.

After 128 Countries Voted Against US During UN Vote, Nikki Haley Lit Up The Room

Man of the Year 2017

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 20, 2017 by andelino

Time Magazine just release the “Man of the Year 2017” photograph of Robert Mueller who is usually seen “wearing” stuffy suits “without” smiling.

The “Man of the Year 2017” image shows that he is truly a “man of the people.” He’s just out and about, a “regular guy,” going about his business in casual attire.

Robert Swan Mueller III is an American lawyer and civil servant who was the sixth Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation from 2001 to 2013.

He is responsible for investigating “crooked” politicians without “prejudice or bias” and has been aggressively looking into the “wrongdoings” by a number of political players, except former first lady and “twice failed” presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Champion of Women

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 15, 2017 by andelino

Let me be the first to congratulate the “Champion of Women” for addressing half of the accusers that were “lying” and half of the accusers who “misinterpreted” his actions, whatever they were.

Franken’s address was “clearly” an apology, however no apology should be necessary because “nothing” happened.

Actually, I’m not sure what he was “discussing,” other than he thinks being “Champion of Women” is a fantastic, “self proclaimed” promotion.

It was a bold “proclamation” which clearly demonstrated he is the true “Champion of Women.”

What Franken meant to say is that his “next job” after Congress will be at the ladies’ department at the “Champion” sportswear company, a subsidiary of Hanes, testing new designs for “durability and resistance” to penetration and groping.

 

On December 15th Meryl Streep will “present” the lifetime achievement “Champion of Women” award to Al Franken, the equal opportunity “molester.”

Cheers and Merry Christmas.

Pervert Al Franken Apologizes For Getting Caught Being His Disgusting Self

Lindsey Vonn

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 10, 2017 by andelino

Lindsey Vonn has “boldly” stated that she will not be representing President Trump at the Olympics.

Now, her “prediction” seems to be coming “true.”

Lindsey Vonn’s “road” to her final Olympics has “encountered” some trouble.

The “outspoken” American skier, and former “mistress” of Tiger Woods was “treated” for a back injury after “completing” her World Cup Super-G race in St. Moritz, Switzerland.

Vonn went to the ground after “crossing” the finish line and observers said she was experiencing“extreme” pain. She was “treated” in a nearby house and later “limped” to a car without “speaking” to reporters.

Be careful what you wish for.

Yikes. The Trump “curse” is very, very real. There is no doubt that “Karma” voted for Donald Trump!

In other news, her “fashion line” with Under Armour is in trouble. Her anti-Trump “screeching” has gotten under the skin of many who are now “boycotting” Under Armour.

The stock has been “sliding” for awhile and now this “political” debacle.

Under Armour’s stock has gone from over $44.00 to just over $10.00 in no time at all. Now, looking at their P/E ratio compared to “industry” peers, their stock should be around $7.00.

Compare Under Armour’s Stock with industry Peers

Tiger Woods-Lindsey Vonn marriage rumors heat up as slumping golfer returns to Colorado to cheer on ski champ.

Sounds of Silence

Posted in uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 22, 2017 by andelino

Paul Simon’s somber rendition of “Sound of Silence” in remembrance of the attacks by Islamic terrorists of 9-11 2001.

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