Archive for the sex Category

Masturbate At Work

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , on May 24, 2017 by andelino

May is National Masturbation Month! Don’t worry if you “forgot” to get someone a card.

But before you “celebrate” in the privacy of your own home, have you ever “considered” perhaps “indulging” in planet Earth’s “favorite” pass time “at work?”

Mark Sergeant, psychology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University, told Metro that a “masturbation break” would be “very effective” at work and a great way to relieve “tension and stress.”

This was “echoed” by psychologist and life coach Dr Cliff Arnall: “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”

He suggested that a “masturbation policy” might result in “more focus, less aggression, higher productivity and more smiling.”

More smiling? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, “masturbation breaks” at work are now officially “endorsed” by science.

However, Dr Arnall does point out the potential “shortcomings,” suggesting that “failure” to achieve “orgasm” quickly could result in increased “frustration and excessive break lengths.” 

He also suggests that one should not “fantasize” about colleagues as this might result in “cognitive impairment” or inappropriate “workplace conduct.”

The “root” of this sudden interest in office “stimulation” appears to be a Time Out New York surveywhich reported at the end of 2015 that 39 per cent of “male” readers admitted to “masturbating” in the office.

However, it provided no actual “quantitative” data to back this up, citing mostly “anecdotal” evidence.

But in 2012, that “figure” appeared in Glamour as 31 per cent, with a polling “sample” of 1,000 men.

Apparently, the “benefits” of such workplace activity include relieving “boredom, stress, horniness,” and possibly even “cure a terrible hangover.” 

One can’t help but “recall” Matthew McCaughnahey’s wired stockbroker in “The Wolf of Wall Street,” urging wide-eyed “novice” Leonardo DiCaprio to “adopt” a more effective “tension-relief technique.”

And no, you’re not imagining it, this “advice” is clearly aimed more at “male” employees than “female.”

In response to the “survey,” one sex toy company Hot Octopuss erected this masturbation booth in New York City exclusively for men.

They called it: “Guy Fi” where men could, in theory, go to “relieve stress.”

Presumably, women are “advised” to head to the kitchen for a herbal tea “cleansing” or something.

But elsewhere, all office “pervs” may rejoice.

Back in ten…

Anyone who’s ever had a “boner or been aroused,” knows that it’s an “all hands on deck” situation.

Blood “flowing” to the penis is the strongest “drug” in the world, it makes “heroin” look like “marijuana,” once you get a “little taste” you need to go “all the way” with it.

The “images” of tits and ass “consumes and dictates” your every move. You can’t “speak,” you can’t “work,” you can’t even “think” until you get that “poison” out of you.

Of course masturbation would “increase” productivity. If one gets “horny” at 11 AM then the day at the office is “practically” over and you’re just “biding” your time until you can get “home” and get off.

While I’d love to get “paid” to masturbate at work, it just wouldn’t be the same in an office “cubicle” while coworkers “rushing” by.

 

STD’s Never Get Old

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2017 by andelino

Even as some “body parts” start to give out, with the “system” starting to slow down and the “balls” swinging like a “pendulum,” medical advances in “boner” medication can make “penises” functional again, and that’s “pure gold” for Silver Sailors.

Apparently, old people are boinking just as much as the “young” ones. On one hand, that’s “awesome” because they “still got it.”

But on the other hand, it’s a little “problematic” because they don’t seem to be as “informed” as younger people are on the “importance” of practicing safe sex.

All these “erections” and octogenarian ”boning” has led to a STD “pandemic” among the older generation. They might have “beaten” the Nazis at Dunkirk and “tamed” the Red Menace, but now they’re “losing” the battle of “Aids, Chlamydia, Clap, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HIV, HPV and Syphilis” and no one’s doing a “damn” thing about it.

No one that is, “except” North Carolina-based “Rap Doctor” Shannon Dowler, MD. She knows that if you want to get a “message” across to the men that “stormed the beaches at Anzio, there’s no better way to “reach” them than with the music of their generation: “Vanilla Ice.”

I know, I know. You don’t want to have “visions” of your granny “doing the dirty” in your head, but if you’re done “puking” over that image, let’s continue.

The doctor combined her hilarious “sense of humor” with her impressive rapping “skillz” to teach old people “sex ed,” using an informational “remix? of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”

In the video, cleverly titled “STD’s Never Get Old,” Dr. Dowler (AKA “RapDktaD”) spits some fire lines, including but not limited to “If you have a problem, lube might solve it, see your family doc if it doesn’t resolve it” and “I’m RapDktaD, and I want to help you be free of herpes, AID’s and HPV.”

The video features a chorus of “Safe sex, baby,” and bears the unmistakable “musical” influence of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice, Ice, Baby,” reaching similar heights of camp.

“Yo, RapDktaD in the house, let’s kick it,” Dowler raps. “Stop. Collaborate and listen, RapDktaD’s intention, calling out all you fellas and ladies, STD’s are tearing through folks in their 80s.”

She says she loves to “rap-and-rhyme,” because she’s musically challenged. She wants to get the attention of “geriatric” patients, who really need to get “educated.”

“It’s tough, to tell a 72-year-old that they’re having their first herpes outbreak,” Dowler told WLOS-TV. “If they’ve lost their partner, they’re suddenly developing a new relationship, and there’s a whole slew of STD’s they’ve never heard about.”

These “lovers” may be older, but the message is the same, “Safe sex baby, safe sex.” If you are going to have sex, use “protection.” Also, be especially careful if you live in a “senior retirement” community.

“It’s almost like a college dorm, you have a lot of people of the same age, with the same degree and desire of sexuality, and they are clustered together in an environment where there’s a lot of privacy,” MAHEC Family Medicine’s Dr. Tim Plaut said.

“There’s also the issue of help with erectile dysfunction. With those medications coming on board, we’ve seen an increase in sexual activity that has mirrored the increase in sexually transmitted diseases,” Plaut said.

People need to know STD “testing and treatment” is covered by Medicare. “I tried to be really intentional to make sure that I was celebrating the aging sexuality, and that it wasn’t being critical in any way, there’s just a lot to learn,” Dowler said.

Talking about “sexually transmitted diseases” can be a tough topic. Statistics show the rate of sexually transmitted disease among senior citizens has almost “doubled” over the past 10 years.

Yep, “your” grandma is at a “higher risk” of getting AIDS than you are.

That is “actually” insane.

Also, can we talk about the “unicorn?”

That’s a “quarter” of them!!

So next time you’re visiting grandma, maybe bring her a few “condoms” in exchange for those yummy “cookies” she always bakes for you. It seems like she might be “needing them as much as you do.”

Like the video says, “Safe sex, baby.”

And of course, there’s “no way” I was going to leave you “hanging” without a chance to listen to the “original” song version .

Golden Girls “dividing” a plate filled with “rubbers.” These grannies would need to have “sex” every day for the “rest of their lives” to come close to the bottom of this pile of “Trojans.”

“Can you really help being sex kittens.
Why can’t you wear your little love mittens.
You gotta be safe cuz sex has gotten risky.
Ain’t no shame bein’ a freak and getting a li’l frisky.”

David Letterman slides a “condom” across the table to his “studio” mistress.

The grannies on “standby,” waving just to say “Hi.”

While the “dick-teased” old guys were just about to throw down “odds” to see who got to draw the “double” team.


“Vaginal atrophy, is something.
A sex catastrophe, it can be the real thing.
Quick to the point to the point I’m makin’.
Lubrication’s need and you know I’m not fakin’.
Trauma, from guys’ erections.
Tears thin skin without detection.”

For some “inexplicable” reason, Dave Letterman “pays” some teenager to go into the pharmacy, clear the shelves of “Trojans” and sell them to him in the parking lot.

Somehow all the “laxatives and adult diapers” never embarrassed Dave, but the “rubbers” do.

Given that the “Rap Doctor” spends most of her days “examining” vag’s that looks like the “Sarlaac” pit, singing is probably like “taking a day off.”

Granny “demonstrates” to her friend how to put a “condom” on a wine bottle “before” the have sex..


“Let’s break it down. Cougars all around.
All these STD’s all the time being found.
Our bodies, we’re just a cafeteria.
A cesspool of germs, viruses and bacteria.
Words called the clap and gonorrhea gonna rap.
Sleeping around? Probably a trap.”

Playing poker for “rubbers” at the Thanksgiving table.

And David Letterman “wins” the pot. I’m guessing this pile will “outlive” Dave.

Sorry, Dave. The unprotected “sex party” is over for you too. STD’s don’t “discriminate.” I hope your “Golden Years” are awesome.

And the big finale?  “Watch until the end for the best part!”

No Appetite For Sex

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2017 by andelino

Bruce Jenner “reveals” in his upcoming “memoirs” that he may never be “intimate with women again,” but might be “open to a male companion.”

“I don’t have the appetite for sex, which is why the public’s obsession over whether I would get gender confirmation surgery is annoying to me,” writes the 67-year-old “clueless rich white transgender” in the book “The Secrets of My Life,” which will be “released” later this month.

“It hearkens back to this misperception that people transition because of their sexual desires.”

“A future female companion? I think about that. A future female sexual companion? Not happening, at least for now, and perhaps not ever,” he wrote in a section of the book completed prior to his “gender confirmation surgery.”

“A future male sexual companion? I have never had the inclination. But maybe that attitude might possibly change when I have the final surgery.”

So I guess there are “two main takeaways” here:

1) Somewhere between the book being written and excerpts leaking, Bruce did get the “Final Surgery” to give him lady bits.

2) Despite all the magazine covers and garish outfits and fancy makeovers, Bruce still doesn’t fully know what it’s like to be a woman who’s interested in men.

Here’s a “quote” he gave People talking about “getting” the gender reassignment surgery:

“Transitioning is about nothing else but your soul. You are no more a woman the day after the surgery than the day before, okay?”

Sure, “inside” he’s always been the woman his “outside” now reflects.

But I would “argue” you’re not truly “living” the full experience as a woman by “filleting your penis into a vagina” until you get that “first dick” in there.

I’m sure Bruce was satisfied with his “femininity” after the original surgeries and transitioning, but getting that new “vagina and not getting a dick” in there is like spending years “waiting” to get a Ferrari and not ever “taking” it out of the garage.

How much of “womanhood” is tied up in “sex” with men?

Sarah Jessica Parker weaponized women’s “love for a dick” as an expression of “womanhood” in a TV show for a decade.

You go to brunch next to a “table of ladies” and you know what they’re talking about? “Sex.” It’s part of what it “means to be a woman in 2017.”

“No appetite for it”? Screw that. You’ve come this far, you “owe” it to yourself to “cross” the finish line.

“Little dicks, big dicks, Asian dicks, black dicks, dicks dressed like Mr. Peanut, whatever kind of dick you can conjure up in your imagination deserves a stopover on Bruce’s journey of self-exploration. No half measures, no half-inchers.”

I can’t wait for Bruce “telling” the world how it “felt the first time he had intercourse and lost his virginity in the deflowering process.”

What a “confused” individual.

Kendall Jenner “seems” to follow the “footsteps” of her Dad.


Jenner Feels ‘Liberated’ after Sex Reassignment Surgery
Jenner is done with women but will consider sex with men
It’s Finally The End For Jenner
Criticizing Jenner doesn’t mean you’re transphobic.

Pirate’s Booty Brothel

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by andelino

NFL owners voted 31-1 to let the Oakland Raiders move to Las Vegas.

When Politicians, NFL Honchos and Raider Brass “touted” this new business opportunities “tied” to the projected 2020 opening of the “Las Vegas Raiders” stadium, they probably didn’t have this in mind.

Dennis Hof promptly “announced” plans to build his seventh “brothel” in Nevada, a Raiders-themed establishment called “Pirate’s Booty.”

The brothel would be “located” 90 miles outside of Las Vegas in “Crystal,” just North of Pahrump in Nye County.

Hof’s “Love Ranch South”  is also located in the small town. The new “bordello” offers the “Home Team Advantage Sex Package.”

“Raider players, staff, coordinators, equipment dudes and die hard fans” would receive 50 percent off all “horizontal” activities forever at his Las Vegas-area brothels and would get additional “VIP” service at the “Pirate’s Booty.”

“The VIP section will be exclusively available to Raiders players and other high-profile athletes and staffed with over 20 cheerleader-garbed working girls,” he said.

If you think it’s all about “debauchery” Hof says it isn’t, but having a place the “players” can go and get their “swerve” on discretely might “avoid” past “Warren Sapp/Greg Anthony/ Darrell Russell” situations.

“Our player relations group will help keep their trysts legal and secret” with the “Hall of Dames” at the Pirates Booty Sports Brothel.

Finally we get the “mash-up” of all of America’s “favorite” things in one place, “football, free drinks, carbs-heavy all-you-can-eat buffets and banging hookers.”

More than“anything,” especially at “discounted” rates.

The heroes who “sacrifice” their bodies to keep us “entertained” from September to early February every year “deserve” this.

It’s gut-wrenching to see how these guys “risk” their health just so we can sit on our “fat” asses all Fall and Winter, “stuffing our faces, guzzling sweet booze and checking Red Zone.”

The very “least” we can do is “give” back. And that’s exactly what this “creep show” entrepreneur Dennis Hof is doing.

If anything, I feel “guilty” that it took this long as a society to finally be“enlightened to give these brave men the “half-priced” hookers they deserve.

It’s a “sin” that our early football “heroes” throughout the ages, from “Red Grange to Night Train Lane,” from “Steve Young to Ed Reed,” all had to pay “full price” or not have any “whores” at all as their “play mates.”

Just because the “cowards” running the NFL “lacked” the vision to put a “team” in the most “lawless” state is a “shame.”

Now those “days” are over. And I’m happy for the 2020 Las Vegas Raiders who’ll be getting the “two for the price of one” 3-way sex that was “denied” to pro football players for “far too long.”

And what better way to “settle” into this than with the “Hall of Dames” from the Bunny Ranch. If the autumn wind is a “pirate, the Las Vegas desert wind is a hooker’s warm “touch” to the nether regions.

Imagine living in a “loony toon” place like Vegas, rooting for the “bad boys” of the NFL, and then “driving” to Crystal where a hooker “rocks” your world while wearing “shoulder pads with spikes” could toughen up “any” Vegas residents real quick.

At least these “Hall of Dames” at the “Pirate’s Booty Brothel” are not in “cahoots” with the ladies at the “Moonlite Bunny Ranch” who “craved” Hillary Clinton’s pussy.

With multiple major-league sports teams on the way, it’s time to prove we deserve them
Roger Goodell details why NFL warmed to Las Vegas and its (previously) dreaded sports betting

Metro Penis Seat

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , on April 6, 2017 by andelino

Just when you thought the London Underground couldn’t be beaten in the “excitement” stakes, the Mexico City Metro “steals” the crown by installing a “bizarre” new seat making things a little more “uncomfortable” for everyone.

In a “conceptually” odd but undeniably memorable PSA campaign, the Mexico City Metro installed a “penis seat” in one of its subway cars, featuring a molded likeness of a man’s “chest and penis,” to get male riders thinking about the “sexual harassment” that women endure every day.

The seat is labeled “For men only.” The actors who “sit” on the seat squirm “uncomfortably” and quickly “abandon” it.

“ It is annoying to travel this way, but not compared to the sexual violence women suffer in their daily commutes,” says a sign on the floor by the seat.

It sounds like a joke, but the “penis seat” actually has a very important “point” to make.

It’s part of a new campaign against “sexual harassment” on public transport, a problem that has caused “discomfort” to many commuters in Mexico City recently.

I guess people want to chose “themselves” when to have a hard rubber penis “pressing” against their butts. The early morning “metro ride” isn’t usually the time. No one wants some horny fella “grinding” their butt crack. “Keep your penis and your thrusts to yourselves,” gentlemen.

I know I wouldn’t like it when someone “sneaks” up behind me on the subway and “starts” grinding their dick on me. It doesn’t give them a “free pass to hump me.”

Women “feel” that way, too. They wanna “ride” the subway without being “molested.” That’s not too much to ask. If you wanna “molest” someone, do it yourself with the “penis seat.”

Just don’t look at the “seat” like it did something “wrong.” That rubber cock isn’t that “gross.” Don’t act like a “prude.”

These actors are trying to “play” a little fast and loose with the“gay chicken game” though. This isn’t the “playground.” It’s serious business.

“Sit on it!.”  “LOL no you.”  “No you.”

But at “least” we got this metro rider’s “reaction.”

And then “there” is this guy. He looks like the type of person who this ad is “marketed” to. No chance this guy doesn’t “just ride” around on the subway looking to “rub his dick” on somebody. That’s the face of a “sneaky” grinder.

He acts like he’s “swaying” with the movements of the train but everyone notices that he’s going “against” the grain and his eyes are “looking” at the ceiling. He’s “horny.” He’s done this before. His penis has“rubbed” many unsuspecting “butt cheeks.”

Not anymore, now that there is a “penis seat” to bring awareness to this issue. The Metro no longer will  tolerate “serial butt humpers” on public transportation.

The Mexican government “launched” the campaign following research that “revealed” 65 percent of Mexico City women have been “sexually harassed” on the city’s buses or trains.

And as the video notes, “nine out of 10 women in Mexico City have been victims of some form of sexual violence” in general.

A second spot “emphasized” the same message by filming “men’s butts” on the subway platform and “broadcasting” the footage live on “TV screens” in the subway.

I understand an “ad” campaign with a little bit of “shock value,” but I don’t know if this “will” do much to curb “creepy weirdos” who ride the Metro without “pants,” especially since women already have enough “sexual harassment” to deal with on the subway.

Weird Mexican “behaviors” like this is only going to “encourage” President Trump to “build” that wall faster.

Maybe we need “whistle blowers” like this women on the subway which is the best way to stop “sexual perverts” from doing perv things on the train.

Yawning Fellatio

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , , , on April 4, 2017 by andelino

Corpulent and “filthy” mouth Libtard Amy Schumer “confessed” in a recent interview that she “caught” her boyfriend Ben Hanisch “yawning” while she treated him to a “blow job.”

The 35-year-old and her man found themselves in “hysterics” after he let out a “yawn” during their “fellatio” session.

“I went down on Ben this morning and he yawned. It was an accident, but we were both just dying laughing. I’m happy, but obviously I was like, Fuck you!”

She added: “When I’m down there, if it’s more than a minute, it’s his birthday or something. But this morning it just happened, and then he yawned and it was a great excuse to stop.”

Barstoolsports.com

“Hey Amy I think that means you stink at giving blow jobs. Like really stink. Nobody and I mean NOBODY yawns during a blow job. Blow jobs are great. Maybe if you paid less attention to his facial expressions and more attention to sucking that dick he wouldn’t be yawning. Ever think of that? Didn’t think so. Cup the balls. Use both bands. Start spitting. Do something. There is a flip side to this where a guy has to know you cannot, under any circumstances, yawn during a blow job. You gotta push that yawn way down and make sure it has no chance of coming to the surface. Cause now your boyfriend is never ever gonna live this down. For as long as you’re dating this is gonna be a story line. Any time he wants a blow job going forward she’s gonna be like, “Remember that time you yawned?” and it’ll probably lead to their break up if we’re being totally honest. But the main lesson here is that Amy stinks at blow jobs cause it’s almost inconceivable that a guy would yawn while getting his dick sucked. He might never get another blow job again cause of this and that sucks for him.”

Back in 2014, she told Chelsea Handler that dating in New York is “completely” different from dating in Los Angeles.

“In New York I feel like I’ll get auditions to be a romantic lead, and here they’re like, ‘Oh, you’re the fat neighbor getting gastric bypass. I’m like, ‘No, people have actually had sex with me, believe it or not.’”

Fat-ass “loser” Amy Schumer thinks we’re all “stupid.”

She was “pissed” off that Glamour magazine “included” her in a list of “plus size” women “who inspire us”, and “angrily” claimed that she is a only a “size 6-8” in women’s clothing, instead of the “size 12-18” that she is in reality.

Amy apparently doesn’t think that she is “plus sized”, but she must either be “blind,” or not have any “mirrors” in her home, otherwise Amy Schumer would know that she is a “disgusting” fat pig.

“@glamourmag put me in their plus size only issue without asking or letting me know and it doesn’t feel right to me. Young girls seeing my body type thinking that is plus size? What are your thoughts? Mine are not cool glamour not glamorous.” – Disgusting Fat Pig Amy Schumer.

Way to go Amy. If you don’t “want” to be called a “fat piece of shit,” here’s a thought.

Maybe you should “stop” eating like a pig, “lose” some weight, and stop “being” such a “disgusting, foul-mouthed whore” all the time!

Schumer’s jokes have been falling flat for quite some time. Comedy Central has yet to announce a “release” date for the fifth season of her show, and “rumors” have been swirling the network might “cut it” after viewership rapidly “declined” during its fourth season.

After she started “appearing” in commercials for Bud Light, the company’s sales “plummeted,” driving the beer company to yank the ad campaign.

Last August, Schumer was “embroiled” in controversy after several “comedians” complained she routinely “plagiarizes” their jokes.

Amy Schumer Will Not Grace the Silver Screen As ‘Barbie’
Bud Light Kills Seth Rogen/Amy Schumer Commercial

Beef Patties

Posted in sex with tags , , , , , on March 23, 2017 by andelino

Ms. Antonia, who “described” her own “genitalia” as looking like a “Big Mac burger with the filling hanging out”, says she has been “tormented” by men after they saw it so she “appeared” on the BBC show “My Unusual Vagina” to get surgery.

Obviously, she didn’t feel “comfortable” with her vagina, and so “avoided” having sex due to feeling “anxious” about it, as well as it “hurting” her physically.

“The skin flaps are like elastic bands, if I was to pull them I could get them down to my thigh. For me sex is difficult, because it can hurt and feel uncomfortable.”

She “decided” that she’d spend £3,100 on a “private clinic” as the NHS wouldn’t provide “surgery,” despite her enlarged “labia” causing her “swelling and discomfort.”

Though the “price” is a big amount, it seems justified given her feelings of “insecurity” towards her private parts.

In the past she’d “received” comments such as “I can’t wait to sleep with someone with a normal vagina” and “‘you’ve got a pair of balls.”

Now I’m no woman but I have to “imagine” hearing “You’ve got a pair of balls” has to be a slight “dent” to a gal’s ego, not “great” pillow talk.

And honestly I am “sympathetic” to it. I’ve hung out with a couple “girls” who had shall we say “prominent” labia and feel across the board “insecure” about it.

And that’s with just a hint of extra “dangling” beef, not the dollar “menu” that poor Antonia was apparently “working” with.

I have to question how “bad” exactly it is given some of the Kosher deli “explosions” I’ve seen in the MILF category on “Spankbang” that apparently have no problem “trotting” a beefy “vag” out there.

But if it’s something where she’s “uncomfortable” about, of course she should go “under the knife” for a little “snizz” snip snip.

I mean could you imagine how “rattled” you’d be about your dick if it were “compared” to unflattering “sausage” items?  That’s some real “repress these memories and don’t talk to anyone again shit.”

And here Antonia is, trotting out two “all beef patties” on a sesame seed “bun” on international TV “pouring” her heart out and “wanting” to make her life better.

I can’t “hate” on that.

I hope after her “procedure” she’s feeling more comfortable and “fresh” with a “vagina” closer resembling a Arby employee’s “handiwork” rather than a McDonald “Big Burger.”

The world is her vagina’s “oyster” now.

Cate Blanchett: My Moral Compass Is “In My Vagina”

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