Covid Flatulence Crisis

In a surprise announcement that eerily resembles a spontaneous whim, Dr. Anthony Fauci has announced that Covid 19 has been found to also be spread through flatulence just as effectively if not more so than via the upper respiratory system.

According to “Flip Flop” Fauci, facial coverings have been the key to slowing the spread of this deadly virus. But now new measurements must be taken in the form of posterior coverings that are clearly visible and are to be worn outside of one’s garments to ensure that all are adhering to the mandate out of the best interest to keep everyone safe.

“Fraud-In-Chief” Joe Biden has announced that he will make an executive order to make posterior coverings the law of the land and those who refuse to follow the order of not wearing these lower coverings will face dire fines and hopes for social repercussions as well public shaming.

Almost immediately after the announcement social media pages have sprung up with the illicit purpose of ridiculing individuals who refuse to wear these coverings over the outside of their clothing over their groin and gluts. Fauci ended his announcement with “There is no such thing as ridiculousness when it comes to public safety and stopping the spread of this silent but deadly killer.” 

Also, the Biden administration declare America fully vaccinated.

The plan, known as Operation Warped Speed, not only has America fully vaccinated, we now have more people identifying as vaccinated than actual people in the country which is truly amazing.

This is a historic moment, folks. We need ticker-tape parades from sea to shining sea to celebrate this glorious accomplishment. Only “Fraud-In-Chief” Joe Biden could have pulled this off so seamlessly. There are simply not enough words to describe what we have witnessed.

The secret is in counting the undocumented Americans who are granted vaccination documentation as they enter the government carriers that transport them from the border to their appointed destination cities. Citizenship documentation awaits in selected convenience store parking lots of said destination cities.

According to the last census, the U.S. population was 328.2 million. I guess if you add to that number all those mythical Biden voters, you may well get 150 million. You bet all those “voters” have already been vaccinated.

They also got covid and died when they needed to during the Trump presidency, and then they found gainful employment in the Biden economy and participated in the latest presidential approval polls. You call it nonsense, I call it statistics. Statistically, the same “nonsense” works nearly every time in both houses of Congress for a balanced budget.

This makes perfect sense to me. The dead also vote in every Democratic Election. And, of course, if we can have the voting dead, we sure as hell can have the working dead. I’m pretty sure I’ve met a few of them. Customer service isn’t what it used to be. They’re sure to be getting stimulus checks and enhanced unemployment benefits also, which are promptly donated to the Democratic Party.

“Fraud-In-Chief” Joe Biden further announced that the World Health Organization (WHO) will begin naming future variants of the Chinese coronavirus after star constellations, a report this weekend citing the head of the organization’s coronavirus response claimed.

“People often resort to calling variants by the places where they are detected, which is stigmatizing and discriminatory. To avoid this and to simplify public communications, W.H.O. encourages national authorities, media outlets and others to adopt these new labels,” the statement read, referring to the Greek alphabet naming system.

The next variant is to be named the Limbovid-19. This is the most virulent and dangerous variant and compels White House leaders to enforce mandates that keep the people safe and limber with the promise that they will return to normal, someday, but there’s no telling when. Limbovid-19 will also have unusual side effects. The infected will suffer from a strange compulsion to walk or shuffle under low objects while grunting, “How low can you go?”

Another naming option for future virus variants would be to memorializes Chinese political dissidents who have mysteriously “disappeared,” and there are so many of them that the WHO would never run out of names!

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