CDC Superhero

Mild-mannered Medical Doctor Rochelle Walensky was employed in a government laboratory studying the AIDS disease. Working late one evening, she was mixing chemical reagents when her hand slipped and she accidentally mixed some of it in a nearby vat of TOXIC WASTE!

After the smoke cleared, she was confronted with a vision of an otherworldly being that called itself “Joe” and began to speak in a rambling, incomprehensible language.

She soon realized “Joe”  was trying to tell her she was being granted superpowers to combat evildoers and other malarkey. As his image began to fade he spoke a strange incantation trunalimunumaprzure and Dr. Walensky felt amazing new powers surge within her.

She found she can control minds using her SCIENCE ability. She also found the power of Mask Mandate to apply face coverings, up to 85% effective at preventing the spread of some diseases, like the common cold, and 100% effective against bad breath.

She soon transformed into the feisty CDC Superhero! As she headed home for some much needed rest, what does she hear? Voices crying out for help from a nearby apartment building?

Is it on fire? Are there hostages in there? No, it’s much worse! The people in the apartment are being EVICTED FOR NOT PAYING THEIR RENT!

Rochelle worked quickly to unravel the diabolical plot, and finds out her old nemesis is behind it. That’s right: Dog-Faced Pony Soldier is up to his old tricks again! He has frightened people so much they can’t go back to work.

When they eventually run out of government subsidies, his partner-in-crime Slumlord comes along and makes them pay rent! When they can’t pay without government assistance, “Joe” zaps them with his Eviction Notice causing them to be paralyzed and ruining their credit score.

Walensky reached deep within herself to defeat this diabolical duo and found she has an additional power “Joe” never even hinted at: “she can place people under her shining Eviction Shield, stopping Slumlord in his tracks and bringing balance and justice back to the world.”

The other super power Rochelle has: “she can confiscate the wealth and liberty of both Landlord and Slumlord, without even so much as a trial, if they even try to retrieve what was once their personal property. Truly a noble Super Hero.”

Don’t miss the exciting new installment for next month’s issue where Rochelle must do battle with a mysterious new enemy: Cisgenders.

How to speak Bidenese

Biden’s CDC to impose rent moratorium extension that he admits is probably unconstitutional
 

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