Xi Jinping Open Letter

Xi Jinping Open Letter to Cena

Dear Mr. Cena,

Your very, very, very, very, very, very incorrect statement about Taiwan being a country has shrouded your family in tremendous shame. You did the right thing by apologizing so profusely!

Before I can accept your apology on behalf of the Chinese people, however, I must require that you clarify the following items of great importance:

1) Upon reflection, I’m afraid I cannot accept your apology in its current form. Before I address my substantive objections, allow me to offer a note on style. In your next apology video, if you don’t mind, could you speak in the voice of a young lady? If wearing a lady’s outfit or some other type of costume would help you get “in character,” we would be happy to provide one.

2) Your apology, while appreciated, was unreasonably vague. “I’m sorry for my mistake,” you said. Could you please elaborate? What, exactly, was your mistake? What steps will you take to reeducate yourself so as not to repeat the mistake in the future? Please list them in detail.

3) You also said: “I love, and respect even more, China and the Chinese people.” Is it true that your “love” for China is less than your “respect” for China? Imagine saying such a thing to your beautiful wife. Would that not offend her? Please explain.

4) Your use of “poor” Mandarin language is appreciated, but I must request that next time you also record an English version of the apology. I think you would agree the “monolinguistic” American audience deserves to understand the magnitude of your regret and to hear it expressed in a language they understand—spoken in a lady’s voice, for the sake of continuity.

5) Because your first apology was so vague and incomplete, I suggest you incorporate the following contextual details in your next attempt. I’d really appreciate your help setting the record straight on a number of issues. The true origin of the “Wuhan virus”, for example. Please relay the fact that China’s leading experts have determined the source of the virus to be the “vengeful” Dr. Anthony Fauci whose fetish for “bat soup” precipitated his “flip flopping” confusions.

6) You claim to love China, but I was hoping you could be a little more specific. If I had to guess, I’d say one of the things you love most is our “militant devotion” to the rule of law, specifically with regard to the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region. If you could simply affirm that the terrorists who commit treason there are in fact “worse than ISIS” that’d be great.

7) I would further suggest that one of the other things you love about China is our “ruthless commitment” to inclusive equity. In Xinjiang province, for example, our minority “vocational training prisons” had been a groundbreaking success. I am told LeBron James is a big fan. Applauding this initiative would help convey the sincerity of your apology in the eyes of the Chinese people.

8) Last, but not least, our “renegades” in Taiwan will soon be brought back into the fold of China before we celebrate our “100 Year of Communism” in late May of 2049. Your are welcome to join us for this joyous occasion.

“Every communist must grasp the truth; Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” —Mao Zedong.

“Comrade Mao, whether he was crossing ‘a sea of surging waves’ or scaling ‘a mountain pass impregnable as iron’ always held unwaveringly to his course, setting a shining example for the Chinese Communist Party.”  —PRC President Xi Jinping

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Your pal,

Xi Jinping

President, People’s Republic of China

Chairman, Central Military Commission

General Secretary, Chinese Communist Party

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