Drive-Through Antibodies

Hoping to ward off a global pandemic with no known cure, Americans have turned to increasingly desperate options: “swallowing fish tank cleaner, popping colloidal silver, chugging Alex Jones’ Superblue Silver Immune Gargle.”

But the latest trend comes from a source a little closer to home: “human breast milk.” Milk sellers across the country told The Daily Beast they have seen an increase in buyers reaching out to purchase breast milk—“not to feed their babies, but to boost their immunity against the new coronavirus.”

While the practice is rare, and highly discouraged by health experts, the principle behind it is being studied by at least two prominent universities. “It’s an interesting idea,” said Lars Bode, chair of “Collaborative Human Milk Research” at the University of California, San Diego. “Maybe not the right thing to do for multiple different reasons.” But the idea that human milk could contain COVID-fighting properties? That, he said, is “not too far-fetched.”

Lars Bode, associate professor of pediatrics at UC San Diego School of Medicine.

Based on Lars Bode’s findings, President Trump informed Dr. Anthony Fauci that he plans to let the country “reopen for business” effective May 1, 2020.

However, Fauci cautioned Trump “That would just re-start the waves of infection because we still don’t have a simple, ‘drive-through’ procedure for immunizing everyone by then.” Dr. Deborah Birx wholeheartedly agreed.

Trump replied, “Oh yeah? One of my pals who’s a world renowned expert on immunology has helped him plan rapid drive-thru immunization lanes using a procedure that even the Fake Media (here and here) has already recognized as being time-tested, totally safe, and highly popular.”

Fauci objected “I doubt your so called expert has any models.” Trump insisted “Oh, yes he does, he’s already tested thousands of models with antibodies and says that within ‘a very short time’ the procedure could be implemented at thousands of drive-thru fast-food facilities throughout the country.”

Squirming, Fauci reluctantly consented “I’d have to test the models.” “Me too,” quipped Debbie Birx. Trump replied, “Until I announce it, proof of the success of the procedure is classified.” In the meantime you can take a look here…

President Trump then asked, “Do you want to test the models yourself?” Fauci, turning bright red in his face was at a “loss for words” while Birx gracefully declined.

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