Front Hole Candles

Odors often stimulate “memories” from the good ol’ days…

Gwyneth Paltrow’s alternative wellness company  is currently selling a candle called “This Smells Like My 50 Year Old Vagina” for $75.

According to the “Goop” website, the candle started as a joke between Paltrow and professional “perfumer” Douglas Little and has notes of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar.” The website says the candle is perfect for putting “fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth” into the atmosphere.

Unfortunately, the candle made from harvested smegma sold out within hours!

Netflix announced Ms. Paltrow will be producing an upcoming “holistic wellness” series called The Goop Lab which will premiere January 24!

And last but not least, Ms. Paltrow is also selling tickets for a celebrity “wellness sailing cruise”!

I do not know if the special candles are included in the price, nor do I know if ticket purchasers will have their “Front Holes” steam cleaned for the voyage as Paltrow has recommended in the past.

Known for its vagina-themed antics, like vaginal jade eggs, “Goop Lab” has received criticism in the past for making “false health claims” about its products and spreading general medical “misinformation.”

In fact, Twitter users were outraged when Netflix announced the company and Paltrow will be producing an upcoming “holistic wellness” series called “The Goop Lab” which will premiere January 24.

“Goop sells because pseudo-scientific quick fixes sell. The show could be written off as entertainment if it weren’t for the fact that it makes health claims,” said Dr. Jonathan N. Stea on Twitter.

Some viewers said they’re cancelling their Netflix subscriptions over Gwyneth Paltrow’s new “Goop” promotion trailer. Not everyone has fallen under the “snake oil” spell.

Even the “vagina-esque” promotional poster stirred up confusion among Twitter users.

Thankfully, the “This Smells Like My 50 Year Old Vagina” doesn’t outwardly have any negative health consequences, but critics say it doesn’t smell anything like a real vagina. The Cut’s newsroom even did a smell test of the candle with lackluster results.

But does it really “smell like what it says it smells like?” Here’s what several Cut members thought about the concept that there even is a “universal vagina scent.”

Allison P. Davis, features writer: “This smells like a vagina that is douching Summer’s Eve too frequently and will probably end up with a yeast infection. And it needs some muskier base notes, to be honest.”

Bridget Read, writer: “No vagina on God’s green earth.”

Kathleen Hou, beauty director: “Maybe if you asked a bunch of teen boys who had never been near a vagina, they’d say, ‘Yeah, like this!’”

Erica Smith, beauty writer: “… I don’t think so? It’s definitely not an aspirational vagina smell. I’d be concerned if it smelled like that.”

Sarah Spellings, fashion writer: “It smells like a vagina if you’ve only ever been exposed to the concept through tampon commercials. This is very much a conceptual vag.”

Madeleine Aggeler, senior writer: “No. Needs more umami.”

Gwyneth Paltrow markets the first “tuna-scented” candle. Her two “angelic” children couldn’t be reached for comment.

I wouldn’t trust any “Hollywood” celebrity, let alone Gwyneth Paltrow to give me so much as an “aspirin” tablet. What the hell are people thinking when they let these Hollywood “idiots” take the reins of their own health?

Then again, considering the “intelligence” level of the past few crops of Hollywood celebs, I wouldn’t even “expect” her to think about “health” issues?

Hell, her most recent notable roles was/were that of the recurring “Pepper Potts” in the bloody Marvel series of films. Martin Scorsese came out and very rightly said what every serious, right-thinking film watcher was thinking: “that Marvel movies are not cinema.”

I guess that the cash coming in from an overgrown, cancerous Saturday morning cartoon simply isn’t enough for Madame Paltrow. All profits will be donated to Pallets of Cash for Peace.

If you would like to see videos of Miss Paltrow applying the candle scent to the “front hole” don’t even think about it. You don’t have enough money.

The TV commercial for this product on the “Hallmark Channel” will involve Elton John singing “…And it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind…”

This is just the latest “proof”of Gwyneth Paltrow’s aspirations to be more “sophisticated” than the rest of the American “knuckle-draggers.”

Gwyneth Paltrow in Britain: America dumb, Europe smart
Gwyneth Paltrow’s new Goop Lab is an infomercial for her pseudoscience business
Gwyneth Paltrow’s website went after a doctor who keeps debunking its health advice
6 terrible and potentially dangerous health tips from Gwyneth Paltrow
The 9 worst Gwyneth Paltrow beauty tips of all time

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