Muhammad resigns as Prophet

On the heels of this week’s “resignation” of Karl Marx as leading figure in the “communist” movement due to allegations of sexual misconduct, the triggered social justice organizers of the “#MeToo” collective have claimed the scalp of another progressive icon.

At a press conference, supported by her family and lawyers, a woman named Aisha claimed that she was “consumed” as a bride by Prophet Muhammad when she was nine years old. When asked why it took so long for her to come out, she stated that she feared “nobody” would believe her since the testimony of a woman is not worth a lot in her social circle. The crying woman also confessed that Muhammad used to beat her when she displeased him, and she feared physical retribution.

The lawyer representing the accused prophet, denied the gravity of the accusations, saying that everyone was doing it at the time,” and that his client “did not remember the situation in quite the same way.”

But later that day more stories emerged from other victims, encouraged by Aisha’s testimony and resulting in the viral “#MuhammadToo” campaign on Twitter.

The first ones to come out were members of a Muslim Boy Scout group, who claimed that Muhammad ordered their fathers to beat them if they refused to pray. They were followed by a slave girl who was a victim of sex trafficking and claimed that the Prophet of Islam was present while she was being gang-raped shortly after his companions captured her and turned her into a sex slave.

These revelations led the Grand Imam Ahmed Muhammad Ahmed el-Tayeb, the prestigious Islamic university in Cairo, to issue a statement, calling on Muhammad to step aside. “I’ve struggled with this decision because he’s been a good Prophet, and I consider him a friend,” the statement said. “But that cannot excuse his behavior and his mistreatment of women.”

Reacting to pressure from colleagues and the media, Muhammad called a press conference and “declared” that after a good deal of “soul-searching and consulting” with his family members and lawyers, he finally made the tough decision to “step down as prophet,” a move that many in the Muslim community saw as a “shock,” followed by a sudden sense of “relief.”

The first world leader to “respond” was the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei of Iran. “I consider Muhammad a dear friend and respect his accomplishments, but he has a higher obligation to his believers,” Mr. Khamenei said in a short statement. “Now that his legacy is tainted beyond repair, I call for the immediate dissolution of Islam as an ideology and a political movement. We are making preparations to convert the Islamic Republic of Iran back to Zoroastrianism immediately. Praise Zarathustra.”

Worldwide, Muslims are now “discovering” further evidence of Muhammad’s past “misdeeds” in the Islamic holy texts, which has “remained” overlooked for 14 centuries, despite having been “reproduced” in millions of Qur’an copies, written or printed in black ink on white paper.

“If only I had known!” cried King Salman of Saudi Arabia, who spoke on behalf of the world’s majority of Muslims. “Now that I’m reading the Qur’an more thoroughly, I’m suddenly finding all kinds of sexual misconduct and other improper behavior. All this talk about killing apostates, terrorism, and torture. Who could have guessed? He seemed like such a nice gentleman.”

King Salman has not yet made a “decision” on what new replacement religion he will impose on his country, but insiders have indicated he is “showing an interest in Judaism.”

People in the Palestinian territories of Gaza and the West Bank celebrated the “resignation” today by dancing in the streets and “passing” out candy to children. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, insisted that from now on he wanted to be known only as “Mr. Mo” and described the new faith of his people as “officially atheist.”

With no more reason for “strife and jihad” to continue, Mr. Mo set up a telephone call with Israel’s PM Benjamin Netanyahu, proposing to start “negotiations” about the incorporation of the territories previously “controlled” by the PLO and HAMAS into the state of Israel. “Because after all,” the PLO leader explained, “their army has hotter chicks.”

Linda Sarsour was seen “entering” a nunnery. According to inside sources, she will henceforth be known as “Sister Linda of the Sacred Heart.” The abbess declined an interview, saying only that “Sister Linda has taken a vow of silence, to atone for her sins. Leave her alone. She has suffered enough.”

The website The Religion of Peace, known to keep track of “jihad terror” worldwide, has acknowledged a complete lack of new material since Muhammad’s resignation and announced that it will probably have to shut down. “The world seems to have suddenly become a less violent and a much safer place,” their editorial stated, asking readers to contact them if they find a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon.

Manufacturers of real news, CNN and BBC, were quick to point out that this newfound “tranquility” should not make us jump to conclusions, stressing that “world peace has nothing to do with the disappearance of Islam, and saying otherwise makes one a bigoted racist or maybe even a Trump supporter.”

For the readers who would like to “learn” more about the now “abolished” religion known as “Islam,” we heartily recommend the new, guaranteed “Non-Fake-News” publication, The Gospel According to Muhammad.

It is available on Amazon. Buy your copy now, before the thought police raids out clandestine printing machines.

The Gospel according to Muhammad with thrilling new stories
ANTIFA tears down statue of Muhammad
Muhammad cartoon festival’s winning drawing

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