Drug Dealers


After a rise in recent “heroin” overdoses, Sheriff of Lake County in Florida “released” a video warning heroin “dealers” in his county that his “SWAT” team will put an end to “drug” dealings.

Appearing with him in the video are “four” members of his SWAT team wearing “balaclavas” and dressed in black “paramilitary-style” garb.

During the “short” message, which features a “menacing” soundtrack, Grinnell said “drug” dealers could “face” murder charges if their customers “die” from an overdose.

Looking “wide-eyed” directly at the camera, Grinnell “introduces” himself and begins his video “warning” which was posted on the department’s Facebook channel.

“Over the last month or so I’ve had several phone calls from citizens in this county concerned about the number of overdoses related to heroin. I want our citizens to know that I am aware of this serious issue. I am asking our residents to please call and let us know if you know of a location that this poison is being pushed out to our streets. You can remain anonymous.”

On March 30, the SWAT team took “down” a suspected drug dealer who was “charged” with possession of methamphetamine and marijuana as well as having a “stolen” gun and second with an “altered” serial number.

Sheriff Grinnell continued:

“To the dealers, who are pushing this poison, I have a message for you, we are coming for you. As a matter of fact, our undercover agents have already bought heroin from many of you. We are simply awaiting the arrest warrants to be finalized. So, to the dealers I say, enjoy looking over your shoulder constantly wondering is today the day we come for you. Enjoy trying to sleep tonight wondering if tonight’s the night that your SWAT team blows your front door off its hinges. We are coming for you.” 

The sheriff then warned “dealers” they may face more “serious charges” if their customers “die after taking drugs.”

“If our agents can show the nexus between you the pusher of poison and the person who overdoses and dies, we will charge you with murder. We are coming for you. Run.” 

There has never been a “worse time to be a drug dealer” in Lake County, Florida.

Sheriff Grinnell is “coming” for you with his SWAT team, even though they can “barely see” due to their “preposterous” headgear.

Let’s “break” down the “SWAT” team:

Skinny Pete The Janitor 

This guy isn’t actually a “law enforcement” officer; they just needed a “fifth” guy to make the video “presentation” symmetrical. He “cleans” the floor at night and everyone suspect he’s “homeless,” but they don’t “talk” about it because he’s a “simple” guy.

Fullback Frank 

High school fullback who “laments” the demise of the fullback position. “When I was playing ball,” he says, pausing to “spit” on the linoleum floor, which “angers” Pete the janitor, “we didn’t even have a quarterback. It was just pound, pound, pound. Run the ball down their throats every play!”

Blind Mike

There are no “holes” in his headgear; it’s just a big “sock” covered with “sunglasses because it makes people “comfortable.” He’s completely “blind” in both eyes. Luckily, he’s able to follow the “screaming” commands of Sheriff Grinnell to “discover and subdue” bad guys.

Handsome Steve

A constant “flirt” and the office “hottie,” Tom isn’t afraid to show a “little” skin. This is “evidenced” by the fact that he’s showing the “most” skin. A little seductive “forehead” action is just enough to make the “ladies” swoon.

Sheriff Grinnell

First name Peyton. Middle name “skull-pulverizer.” Last name Grinnell. Prefix Sheriff. A human “bobble” head. Shoulders like “anvils” and a neck so “skinny” you have to look twice, yet somehow it “supports” the 40-lb bowling ball that houses the most “ambitious” brain this side of “crocodile” alley. Don’t you dare “accuse” him of pulling a “publicity” stunt; this short press conference is the only way to strike “terror” into the hearts of those drug-dealing “bastards” that are poisoning the children in the “strip malls” of Lake County.

These guys are acting like “superheroes” in a drama movie, with their special “suits” from bankrupt Sports Authority and “grabbing” anything to cover their face. I mean “come on,” fellas. You look like a “bunch of dorks.”

You’re sporting “ski masks” and Under Armour “cold gear” and gas station “sunglasses.” If you’re going to try and instill the “fear of god” into heroin dealers then you’ve gotta look like a “real” SWAT team.

How absurd would “Darth Vader” look if all his Storm Troopers were “wearing” different “color” helmets?

The “highlight” of the video is at the end, though. Imagine how many “times” these dudes had to “rehearse” that video?

Sitting out back behind the Lake County sheriff’s office, Grinnell yells, “Dammit, Skinny Pete! I told you. When I say ‘Run’ you immediately turn to your right and walk off stage! It’s not that hard! How are we gonna solve the heroin epidemic if you can’t even exit stage smoothly?”

I can imagine these guys “murmuring” to each other that they signed up to “crack skulls” not put on a “video” play.

Go get that “poison” with your “scarecrows” though. Best of luck.

After United Airlines saw the video going “viral” on the Internet, CEO Oscar Muñoz promptly “hired” the whole “crew” as the new “Customer Service” reps to help with future flight “reassignment” evacuations.


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