I would like to take the time to “honestly” thank you from the bottom of my “heart” for having a huge hand in “creating” the greatest destructive transformation of the United States of America that the “world” has ever seen.
But “aside” from that, there is so much more to be “thankful” for.
I believe that I speak for “countless” educated people when I say that during the “dusk of your presidency” we should take the time to list some of the “amazing” things you have done and ”reflect” upon them.
In what could “take days to talk about,” I narrowed down the favorite “farewell” gifts you left “behind” for the American people.
1. First of all, racial relations are at an all-time high. Under your leadership and guidance, there has never in the history of the United States been such peace and understanding among people of all pigments across the board. While some of your critics may attempt to point to a huge division created by your “dishonest and manipulative” rhetoric, to all educated people it was the birth of a new kind of justice, different from all other kinds of justice in that it was “more just and more social.”
2. The far-right liars will say anything to smear the beautiful and slightly mark that you left behind on the very fabric of this “formerly” great country. Have no worries, we will always hold that mark in our educated hearts and pass it on to our educated children so they, too, can cherish your remarkable legacy.
3. I would like to thank you for how safe you have made our shining inner cities. While there has been a minor influx in gun violence in progressive urban areas, every educated person knows that the real causes for that lie outside our safe spaces, in the uneducated America where innocent victims of economic oppression come in contact with the sinister gun-owning NRA members.
4. Those twisted reactionaries dare blame your flawless gun regulations for the violence in our progressive cities that surpasses the street wars of the Prohibition era in the roaring 20s, absurdly claiming that restricting firearm ownership leads a rise in bloodshed. Every educated person knows that disarming law abiding citizens cannot possibly embolden criminals.
5. They also spread far-right rumors that the more progressive the city, the more it economically suffers, pointing at Detroit, where they say a Utopia was promised under the dawn of progressive leadership in the 1960s but brought nothing but ruins it is today. But do not fret, Barry. Our progressive fact checkers have debunked that urban myth multiple times. Detroit is better off with art and culture than with automobile manufacturing. Every educated person knows that manufacturing poisons the ecosystem.
6. I would like to thank you for how safe you have made the entire world. With the help of the UN, NGOs, and various progressive think tanks, your leadership has given Europe and parts of the U.S. a taste of higher sophistication and culture through a flood of Middle Eastern migrants. Or are they refugees, widows and orphans? You have to forgive me, sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the correct nomenclature.
7. A few uneducated throwbacks may still be upset about having to be around people slightly different than them. But every educated person knows that Europe is where white people originally came from. Ingrained racism is only natural in the “ground zero” of the white people’s breeding area, where an influx new non-white friends can be seen as cultural espionage. But again, Barry, this isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with more education.
8. As we learn of nearly daily acts of rape and violence committed by our newly arrived guests, I would like to thank you on behalf of all educated people for reminding us that these attacks are not the fruit of a particular ideology, but rather of man-made climate change, which turns people into desperate animals fighting for food and water. Thank you so much for clarifying that.
9. Thank you for keeping us in check and allowing us to understand that those so-called barbaric acts are the fault of the Western civilization. Every educated person knows that the bloodshed across the world can only come as a result of trickled-down Western greed and systemic racism, and ISIS is no more a threat to world security than the American economy that is causing climate change in the first place. I’m sure future generations will appreciate your ability to prioritize these threats and to fight the greater evil first and the lesser one second.
10. I also have no doubt that historians will be studying you and your legacy for centuries to come, trying to find answers to such questions as, how could one man have been so smart? Is it even humanly possible to have the infallible intelligence and wisdom that you have exhibited over the last eight years? I can almost hear a college professor lecture to a classroom of diverse young minds, telling them the greatest story ever told: “Yours.”
11. I look forward to the day I have my grand children on my knees in an Eco-friendly home, telling them about the glorious eight years of your presidency and how we just barely missed entering the glorious world that any civilization could ever hope for – a progressive world under the stern guidance of forward-looking, educated people. We were right there, already going for the exit, but the Russians must have influenced our sense of direction by posting fake road signs, we lost our way, and then it was too late to go back.
12. In the twilight of your administration, we must sadly say goodbye, as the nation turns around to watch the dawning of a new unwritten era that is fast approaching. That isn’t to say that we aren’t terrified of the most hated president-elect since Abraham Lincoln. All educated people in this country and beyond are truly overcome with emotion. But we also know that the effects of your presidency will be felt for years to come, whether we like it or not.
13. They say, “red sky at morning, sailors take warning.” But what does an orange sky mean? We hope that you will stick around and continue to educate us about this and other important issues.
14.Perhaps it is divine fate that someone who is a skilled political player and policy visionary, you have done more to unite the Republican Party than anyone since Raygun. In fact, in this latest election alone, the Republicans now control the 31 of the 50 governor’s offices and the state legislative chamber in 44 states with full control in 25 states and more than two thirds of the nation’s legislative chambers in Washington. As you are leaving office Democrats will be reduced to lowest level since the Civil War. Now that’s transformational indeed!
15. I wish I had room to expound upon the wonderful health care system you bestowed upon us, with downward-curving costs, wide-ranging choice of doctors and hospitals, coverage of every kind of service that we do not need, and of course the security of knowing we can keep our doctors, our insurance plans, and our treatment plans for as long as we want.
16. If only you had been allowed to run for a third term — and we all know you would have been reelected by a landslide — we might also have had coverage for sex-change operations and amputations for transablists. But alas, it was not to be.
17. We celebrated the social changes you made in the military during your administration by allowing gays to serve openly in the Armed Forces and opening combat roles to women. As you said so eloquently “I know that women are as least as strong as men. We’re stronger for it.” Your commitment to diversity reminds us that we are united and can now serve the country without hiding who we are or who we love.
18. You had no qualms of adamantly supporting abortion and voting several times against the “Born Alive Infant Protection Act.” Your radical position will go down in history as the most pro-abortion president ever who abdicated his responsibilities when it came to the protection of the most innocent citizens of this great nation.
19. And who can forget your sex abstinent education when you said you would teach your daughters all about values and morals but if they make a mistake, “you don’t want them to be punished with a baby.” It was so reassuring to hear you condemning single women that somehow it has become a “punishment” to have a child in this country, thereby diminishing the great joy that children bring to their families regardless of the circumstances in which they were born.
Thank you Barry, for all your “wise and encouraging” leadership during the last eight years.
Obama was the first “black” president. Trump is the first “orange” president. “Orange is the new black.”