Memory of a Goldfish

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Your “attention span” is, uh… well… whatever, but it probably can’t beat that of your average goldfish, a new study says.

A 2015 study by Microsoft reached this conclusion after “surveying” more than 2,000 Canadians and “monitoring” the brain activity of 112 people, Yahoo! Canada reports.

In our age of “buzzing” phones and “140-character” news items, they say “attention span” has dropped from an average of “12 seconds in 2000 to the jittery low of 8 seconds today.”

The “average” goldfish, it’s believed, can “concentrate” for nine, researchers say.

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“Younger people with a more digital lifestyles … struggle to focus in environments where prolonged attention is needed,” the study says.

More specifically, 44% of survey respondents say they “struggle” to focus on tasks and 37% say their “inability” to use time well “forces” them to work “late or on weekends” the National Post reports.

In the “brain-activity” phase, participants performed “game-like tasks” designed to measure “attention span” while researchers measured their “brainwaves” with electroencephalography (EEG), the Globe and Mail reports.

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Digitally “savvy” consumers start with “powerful” attention and then “fade,” while others are less “engaged” at first but can “concentrate” for longer. The findings held “true” for young and old alike.

Microsoft “conducted” the study in part to help “marketing” firms reach modern-day audiences: “We wanted to understand how digital life is affecting the way that Canadians see and interact with the world,” a consumer expert at Microsoft tells the Ottawa Citizen.

“It’s our new ‘news feed reality,’ as I like to put it.” “Wasting time on the Internet” is now an Ivy League class.

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For American NBA “millennial” fans there’s no need to worry. NBA commissioner Adam Silver has your “attention span” covered.

You know those “late-game” situations, where “timeout after timeout” make the final “30 seconds last 10 minutes?”

During a press conference in London before the Denver Nuggets’ 140-112 rout of the Indiana Pacers, Silver noted that the league “tracks” the end of games, specifically the number of “timeouts” that are allowed “very closely” and said the NBA’s “competition committee” will likely take a “fresh look at game length” at the end of the season.

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“It’s something that I know all of sports are looking at right now, and that is the format of the game and the length of time it takes to play the game,” Silver said.

“Obviously people, particularly Millennial’s, have increasingly short attention spans, so it’s something as a business we need to pay attention to. When the last few minutes of the game take an extraordinary amount of time, sometimes it’s incredibly interesting for fans, other times it’s not.”

Well done, commissioner Silver. Well done.

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The “future” is here, let us embrace our “millennial snowflakes” and lead them wherever we want them to be in “eight seconds or less!”

Now that it is “proven” that the millennial “attention span” is less than that of a goldfish, we need only tell them that it’s “election” time again, dust off another Hillary “clone” without an email problem, and “off we go” to the next elections!

U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton takes a picture with supporters during a campaign stop in Sacramento, California
Envision “what” this means! Educational institutions can “issue” diplomas in a week, “putting” Millennial’s to “work” in the fields or “back” in their mother’s “basements” where they belong, while “drawing” Government “benefits” they haven’t “earned.”

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