Hillary Clinton Inaugural
In a “stunning” announcement Bill and Hillary Clinton “revealed” they will not attend the “swearing in” of Donald J. Trump as 45th President of the United States taking place on “January 20, 2017.”
Due to a recently “discovered” article in the “Twelfth Amendment” of the United States Constitution Hillary Clinton will “become” the next president of the United States, “not” Donald Trump.
The article came to the “attention” of Democrats while they were in a Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Starbucks “drowning” their sorrows in cappuccino lattes after a judge “quashed” their recount petitions.
Barista Al Franken excitedly “rushed” over to their table holding the “Twelfth Amendment,” with Cappuccino Manager Harry Reid “close“ behind.
A “footnote” in tiny print at the “bottom” of the document read:
“Whereas, the candidate who receives an absolute majority of electoral votes normally wins the presidency; the winner may be considered the candidate who first reaches a threshold number of electoral votes determined by fair-minded and objective citizens.”
Democrats immediately contacted “fair-minded and objective” news reporters at CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post, who agreed “unanimously” that 100 votes was “the magic threshold number” sufficient to declare the “winner“ on Election Day.
After careful tracking of “electoral” votes as they were coming in that evening, it was “determined” that Hillary Clinton reached “100 electoral votes” before Donald Trump did.
“The electoral vote count should have stopped at that point,” Democrats pointed out.
“The fact that Trump eventually achieved 306 electoral votes should not have mattered,” they added.
Mainstream media outlets immediately “broadcasted” this stunning revelation, followed by “commentary” and analysis by the usual news “hounds”:
Wolf Blitzer: “I knew it in my gut!”
Rachel Maddow: “You go, gurrl!”
Chris Cuomo: “Magnificent!”
George Stephanopoulos: “Whew!”
Mika Brzezinski: “I predicted it.”
Bill O’Reilly: “I predicted it first.”
Megyn Kelly: “Woo-hoo!”
George Will: “My bow tie is ready.”
Charles Krauthammer: “Mine too, George.”
Glen Beck: “Let’s go, guys.”
The “next step” is for the Harrisburg document to be “authenticated” by experts.
Should it prove “genuine”, the Supreme Court will then review “videotapes” of electoral votes as they were “tallied” on election night to “confirm” that Hillary Clinton did “indeed” reached 100 electoral votes “before” Donald Trump did.
In the meantime, the Supreme Court “declared” that Clinton can legally be considered “Interim” president of the United States.
Speaking for the Court, Justice “Wise Latina” Sotomayor averred that there is no need to “formally concur” that 100 electoral votes is “the magic threshold number” because it came from “reporters” at CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post, whose “integrity” is beyond reproach.
Based on this “discovery” the Clinton’s will host their official “Inaugural” at their Chappaqua home in Westchester County, New York.
The mainstream media has “promised” the Clinton to get extensive “coverage” in part because “entertainment” personalities will be there to “keep” the guests amused.
George Soros: Will attend but the grim reaper prevented Fidel Castro from doing so.
Ellen DeGeneres: Dressed in black and sporting a pompadour wig, Ellen will use a sock puppet during her act, whose details she has declined to disclose except that the rating is expected to be XXX with Bill Clinton getting a front row seat.
Cher Bono: Her lips are puffed up from the latest round of plastic surgery, so she will thankfully not sing. Instead, Cher will do a charades skit wearing hot pants, black boots, and a see-thru blouse without a bra to serenade Bill Clinton in the front seat.
Miley Cyrus: Miley will appear as Hannah Montana. She will wear a skimpy pajama outfit as she brays into a phallic-looking microphone, which she will lick suggestively while looking at Bill Clinton seated in the front row.
Lena Dunham: Will reenact her Christmas show dressed up as a naked “mermaid” in the hope Bill Clinton will rape her so she can get pregnant and have the long awaited abortion she wished she had in order to better understand the stigma surrounding the issue.
Alec Baldwin: The Saturday Night Live buffoon will reprise his skit impersonating Donald Trump. Alec has agreed to waive his usual $1,400 fee provided Bill Clinton hands over a couple of Playboy bunnies for a “private” performance.
Chris Cuomo: Chris will appear dressed as his CNN colleague Wolf Blitzer in a Santa outfit. Chris will mumble incoherently before singing old-time favorites such as “O Sole Mio,” “Che Sara, Sara,” “Tanto Cara,” and “Where are my car keys?”
Bernie Sanders: Sanders will perform a dance of his own creation, “The Bern,” to thank the Clintons for his new Vermont lakefront home, where he will vacation with his wife Jane when not busy voting with Senate Democrats to rip off American taxpayers.
Michelle Obama: Michelle will open the “festivities” with her performance act “The Crabs and How to bind your Manhood.”
To conclude the “festivities” the Clinton’s have arranged a huge “pyrotechnic laser” show to let everyone know that Hillary will run “again” in 2020 with Minnesota Congressman Keith M. Ellison, a “black” Muslim, as Vice President, a potentially “unbeatable” Muslim combination.
The Symphony of the “Democratic Media Complex” will be performing at the Inaugural. Musician openings for the following “seats” are currently available:
7th through 10th chair violins of “violence”
8th through 9th chair violas of “vengeance”
6th chair cello of “chaos”
5th chair trumpet of “terror”
6th chair trombone of “trauma”
4th chair oboe of “obedience”
3rd chair bassoon of “blasphemy”
Contrabassoon of “hatred”
Drum Master “ensnare”
Please “submit” your C.V. to Brian Stelter, c/o the “Clinton News Network” no later than January 3, 2017.
A steady “beat” of Marxist “invective” commentaries will be “provided” by MSNBC “luminaries”:
Peter Alexander, Mika Brzezinski, Robert Costa, Jose Diaz-Balart, Josh Barro, Richard Engel, Willie Geist, Tamron Hall, Mark Halperin, Chris Hayes, John Heilemann, Hugh Hewitt, Amy Holmes, Kasie Hunt, Hallie Jackson, Jack H. Jacobs, Chris Jansing, Ezra Klein, Steve Kornacki, Trymaine Lee, Richard Lui, Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, Mark McKinnon, Ari Melber, Craig Melvin, Andrea Mitchell, Ayman Mohyeldin, Betty Nguyen, Kelly O’Donnell, Lawrence O’Donnell, Cal Perry, JJ Ramberg, Joy-Ann Reid, Thomas Roberts, Eugene Robinson, Stephanie Ruhle, Joe Scarborough, Steve Schmidt, Al Sharpton, Jacob Soboroff, Kate Snow, Olivia Sterns, Chuck Todd, Katy Tur, Ali Velshi, Nicolle Wallace, Kristen Welker, Brian Williams, Alex Witt.