Sister Act III

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“What do you mean my wife would make a cute nun?”

The latest rumor “swirling” around Washington D.C. concerns the “soon-to-be-ex” First Lady of the United States having made “application” to join a convent.

Bitterly “disappointed” that Donald Trump was elected president, a “mad-at-the-world” Michelle Obama has been contacting “monasteries” in the United States seeking to “retire” to a life of “hopelessness, prayer and repentance.”

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama

Choosing  the road to “monasticism,” Michelle will follow the “footsteps” of the saints who “walked the path” before her.

She will seek “spiritual” guidance and teachings to help her to “recognize” the deceits of the evil one, how to “overcome” them, and to forsake the “vanities” of the world in order to “dedicate” herself fully and wholeheartedly to God in “solitude and unceasing prayer.”

“For what profit is it to a women if she gains the whole world, but loses her own soul? Matthew 16:26

In the “stillness” of the Monastery, Michelle’s life will be one of “discover.”

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No longer surrounded by a plethora of “distraction” she will able to truly get “acquainted” with herself, to uncover her “sinful” nature and come to the wonderful “realization” that her strength after “all these years” is only found in Christ and “not” Barack.

Saint Isaac said, “a person who has attained the knowledge of his own weakness, has reached the summit of humility and broke through the constraining walls of their ego has climbed great spiritual heights to live out a blessed life of repentance and asceticism.”

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven; come follow Me.” Matthew 19:21

A day in the “life of a nun”

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Monastic nuns “choose” to live a life of “prayer and contemplation.”

After a “novitiate” period, a nun joyfully takes the three vows of monasticism – “chastity, poverty, and obedience” – in order to better “dedicate” her life to God and “serve” Him only.

St. Paul said, “The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. 1 Corinthians 7: 34

Out of her great “love” for God, a nun’s typical day begins while most “people in the world” are still asleep. After Midnight “prayers” morning “praises” begin daily at 4AM and are followed directly by “Divine Liturgy.”

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On Wednesdays and Fridays, when “fasting and abstinence” are observed, nuns return to their “cells” after the raising of morning “incense” while the Diving Liturgy is “prayed” at noon.

All nuns have a “personal” prayer rule they must keep daily – “memorize the psalms which will protect them” and a duty they must “perform” which can include anything from “manual work to hosting guests.”

“If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat” 2 Thessalonians 3:10.

Daily at 5PM, the nuns “meet” once again in the church to “communally” pray the psalms from the “Book of Good News” (Bible).

Between “work and communal” prayer time, a nun spends time “alone” in her cell in “prayer and meditation.”

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This “beautiful” life is likened to that of “angels” on earth. Just as the heavenly angels unceasingly “praise and worship” God, so do the nuns “standing” before God in “praise and worship” in their daily “blessed” lives.

Angels are a “light” for nuns, and the “monastic” life is a “light” for them.

“To pray for the Church. To keep their life holy as an example for others. To live such a quiet life in order to have a quiet heart and mind. Happy are those who follow this road and avoid other highways. Theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

A anonymous “insider” was able to obtain a copy of the “application response” Michelle received from a “convent” in California.

Dear Mrs. Obama,

Let me start by saying how honored we all feel that you have chosen our humble monastery for possible relocation as you transition into your new life. This is certainly the first time that a major contemporary figure such as yourself has expressed interest in joining our sisters to dedicate her heart and soul to serving the Lord and the less fortunate in our society.

After careful consideration and several days of intense prayer in search of divine guidance it has been decided that we are able to offer you a position as one of our sisters. Please accept our profound congratulations and allow me to explain on which conditions we are able to grant your request.

1. It would not be long before word reached the outside world that you had joined us, leading to notoriety at a level that we are not equipped to handle. Though we welcome visitors as part of our mission, TV cameras parked nearby for days on end to watch your every move would seriously disrupt our daily routines and cannot be allowed.

2. Your request that a security detail be allowed access to our grounds is puzzling in the extreme. Surely, you must realize that the protection of our “Lord and Savior” is quite sufficient to make sure that sisters are safe from harm. We cannot grant this request but be assured your life will be in the hands of our all powerful, omnipotent, supreme most high.

3. In addition to private prayer and the daily cycle of services, sisters are expected to perform duties such as cooking and cleaning. We hope that as someone who has lived in the White House for eight years and is used to servants waiting hand and foot, carrying out these tasks that you probably never did even as a young girl, will not be of inconvenience to you.

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4. Your green dress is not acceptable since all sisters wear black and heads must be covered at all times. Fancy wardrobes and shoes, visits to the hairdresser, and grooming services considered normal on the outside are not allowed here. As a sister, you would have no need to be concerned about your appearance. We hope that you can accept these conditions.

 

5. We have reviewed your attached fitness video but unfortunately we cannot offer you this exercise program here as it would interfere with your daily work, hostess duties, communal prayer time and private meditation. We can, however, assure you there is no need to worry about obesity as our daily lean cuisine intake will keep you slim and trim.

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6. A vow of poverty is expected, meaning that you would need to declare all your assets and donate their value either to our convent or to other needy organizations of our choosing. Once inside our walls, we will see to it that your earthly as well as spiritual needs are looked after.

We hope you prayerfully can accept above conditions and look forward with great anticipation of your earliest arrival.

In the meantime, please feel free to contact us again if you have additional questions.

Respectfully,

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Mother Superior Whoopi

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