Non-Traditional Marriages


The meaning and scope of “non-traditional marriages” has been expanding lately all over the world.

“Diverse people of equally diverse cultures” have been officially marrying not just other people of varying “genders and quantities”, but also “snakes, goats, dolphins, cats, dogs, penguins” as well as inanimate objects, such as “dolls, pots, pillows, walls, towers, roller-coasters, video game characters, or even their own cardboard cutouts.”

While they live “happily ever after” in their progressive “non-traditional” relationships, I can’t help but wonder why there hasn’t been much “progress” in this regard in the United States.

What could be done to “eliminate” this glaring gap so that Americans wouldn’t be “ashamed” of trailing behind the more advanced “global” societies.

As everyone knows, the liberal solution to every problem is “benevolent government intervention.”

We need to raise “awareness” and promote policies that would “encourage” the spreading of “nontraditional alternatives” in our country through “government subsidies and other forms of assistance.”


This should include increased “food stamp” rations and “unemployment” benefits for “non-traditional marriages,” free “pet food” and government “reimbursement” for custom-made “beds, cages, water tanks, terrariums, and other intimate rquirements.”

We will also need to modify our “healthcare” system, merge “human and animal” hospitals, retrain “doctors and veterinarians,” and add provision to “ObamaCare”  that would allow to include both “animals and inanimate objects” into government-subsidized “insurance” plans regardless of “pre-existing” conditions.

A massive “diversity and sensitivity” training program must also be instituted by the government, to ensure “inclusiveness and acceptance.”

This will further help to “delegitimize and marginalize” haters and other non-compliant “elements” in our society.

That will be the most literal “implementation” of the most recent Democratic Party slogan, “Love Trumps Hate.”


The funds for all the above can be easily obtained through an additional “marriage tax,” paid by those citizens who “practice” traditional marriage, which is something to be “discouraged” for the common good.

For this to happen, of course, Hillary needs to “win” the White House, because president Trump will “never allow such a program.”

This alone makes him a “hater and a bigot,” which is why the Democratic Party directs us to “hate him with all our hearts.”

As with every socially beneficial “initiative,” we need to lead by example. Therefore, all peoples are now “encouraged” to enter in loving “non-traditional marriages” with various individuals, plants, animals, inanimate objects…“but no Republicans.”


Traditional marriage leads to “reproduction,” a useless concept for Democrats.

The only party approved way to keep the population at minimum levels is “aborting babies and importing refugees.”


Do not “hurt” your chances to get the “”diversity trophy”” for this year.

We all know what the “stakes” are.


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