Genetic Splicing

Genetic Splicing 04

President Obama has approved animal-human DNA splicing research, which he is hoping will ultimately lead to the creation of the “New Man,” the most equal living creature on the planet fit to live in the progressive society of “Next Tuesday” as predicted by Karl Marx.

While other countries are still unsuccessfully attempting to “breed” the New Man by genetically modifying the human race, Barack Obama, after studying the human “genome,” has concluded that humans in their “existing” form lack many necessary qualifications.

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Humans, as they exist today, have a number of “uncorrectable” shortcomings, starting with inefficient warm-blooded bodies that require “food, clothes, and shelter, a high-maintenance diet, a breeding partner to procreate and raise offspring,” and ending with insufficient number of “arms, hands, and fingers, inferior mobility as bipeds, and – most importantly – ridiculously low amounts of blind loyalty and altruism.”

To be in the “forefront” of this new frontier, scientists need to look beyond the human “race” and engineer the “New Man” by combining human genes with those of other “mammals, birds, insects, crustaceans,” and even viruses.

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I guess the old fashioned way was not good enough.

While scientists “predict” that results will vary, political “strategists” are preparing contingency “plans” to make sure the public doesn’t see anything “remotely” resembling the scenes from Alien Resurrection.

According to insiders, the “experimental” stage will include breeding such combination creatures as “centaurs, satyrs, griffons, chimeras,” and various other big and small anthropomorphic “rattus progressae” animals.

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Rattus Progressae.

Making them equal to humans in “self-awareness and reason,” however, is not enough. They will also need to have “souls,” which in modern terms means they must be granted “legal and human rights” by the government, as well as “equal protection” under the Constitution as U.S. citizens.

The best way to “accomplish” that, in President Obama’s experience, is to create a civil rights crisis: “organize media reports about hate crimes and bullying caused by bias and xenophobia, have members of conservative and religious groups issue demeaning remarks and demands to stop the breeding project, stage an avalanche of media articles in support of the “underdog,” give a tearful speech to the nation from the Oval Office, and, finally, have paid bloggers popularize YouTube videos with intolerably cute half-human kittens and puppies.”

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While none of this is out of Obama’s sphere of “expertise” as president and ex-community organizer, time puts “limitations” on his ambitions. On the one hand, this plan can only “succeed” while he is still in office, which gives him a year; on the other hand, disclosing his plans “prematurely” may damage his approval ratings and “jeopardize” the project and Obama’s “retirement” future.

White House Press Secretary Joshua Ryan Henry “Josh” Earnest believes that the best timing to start the new “human/animal civil rights movement” would be in the third week of July, during the “2016 Republican National Convention” in Cleveland, Ohio.

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I can imagine a “mass” mailing from Obama’s “Organizing For America” (OFA) sending out “emails” with pictures of lonely “hybrid” females asking for support and “$3.00” donations.

But when you get to meet the “genetically modified human beings” this is what you will most likely see:

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