Middle East Strategy

Obama Imanm

Thank you all for “coming” here today. It saves me a lot of unnecessary “trouble and tears.” For those members of the press that decided to “ignore” my order, I “deal” with you later.

I summoned you here to “announce” a new and sweeping policy change regarding “National Security.”

Amid rapidly “escalating” tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia that threaten to further “destabilize” the Middle East, I want to lay to rest any “confusion” about United States policy in the region and “publicly” assure the world that “the United States stands united with peaceful countries against the scourge of radical Islamic terrorism and the states that further its advances.”

“Some Republicans in Congress, and some Republican-leaning media organizations, have been critical of my administration’s work in the Middle East and especially our relationship with Iran,” Mullah Obama continued.

I believe that the record should be set straight in no uncertain terms.

While we do not condone many acts committed by the governments of Middle Eastern nations, there is a clear distinction between non-aggressive countries with which we share important economic, military, and diplomatic ties, and countries on a futile quest for regional dominance based on ideologies of destruction, oppression, and death.

It is true that my administration negotiated an accord that we sincerely hope will prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon or the means to deliver one.

But let me be clear. Iran cannot be trusted, they will repeatedly attempt to breach that agreement, and the United States is prepared to take any action necessary to prevent them from doing so.

The Ayatollah is a savage and a butcher, he is the world’s leading supporter of Islamic terrorism whose brutal hand chokes the world from the West Bank to Paris to San Bernardino.

Today, I am announcing that the United States will commit its firm “support and resources” against this tyranny. If Iran or any of its “violent” puppets so much as “feint” toward Israel or our other allies, the consequences will be “unfortunate and severe.”

“We may take measured action against Iran in the future, but for now we can’t be seen as taking sides.”

White House spokesman Josh Earnest attempted “to walk back” Obama’s remarks before a noticeably “bewildered” press corps, noting that Obama was feeling “giddy, teary and out-of-sorts” after his decision to “unilaterally” curtail American “gun rights.”

Middle East Strategy 02

Clearly, the greatest “problem” facing America today is not the “price” of gas or the oil “rich” nations of the Middle East but the unrestrained “expansion” of private ownership of “weapons of self defense.”

Americans have no “need” to feel that they should “defend” themselves. The government is taking “care” of that and “always” will.

The expansion of “gun free zones” is sending a statement to “criminals” that their irresponsible “behavior” will no longer be “tolerated.”

Middle East Strategy 03

In keeping with this philosophy, I’m announcing, via Executive Order, the “elimination of all private gun ownership.”

It gets me “mad” every time I think about “bitter clingers” defending their “guns and religion.” You never see that “happening” in the Middle East.


Only in America are people so “recalcitrant.”

I’m determined to stamp out this threat to “National Security” that a terrorist group, known as the “National Rifle Association” (NRA) poses to the very “fabric of our society.”

These people gather together and “prey” on families, neighbors and children for more victims of “gun” violence. They are simply “ruthless” predators!

Middle East Strategy 04

These gun “fanatics,” also known as “The Brotherhood of Man” is a greater threat to the “national security and prosperity” of American citizens with the “exception” of global warming.

I know that we can’t stop all “acts of violence,” but if we can prevent one “tragedy” it’s worth the “sacrifice” of your personal “freedom.”

Together, “we can make America safe again.”

NRA: We will shoot everyone to make America safe again


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