National Park Service

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In a “stunning” move, that’s sure to upset “outdoor” enthusiasts all over the nation, the “Environmental Protection Agency” (EPA) is proposing to “shut” down the National Parks Service for “egregious and gross violations of air, water, and health standards” in all areas “managed” by the agency.

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EPA claims “bison” are a major contributor to “air” quality issues.

Following an “extensive” tax-payer “funded” study, the EPA has concluded that the “National Park Service” (NPS) is amongst the worst “polluters” in the nation.

In the interests of national “security” and environmental “preservation” EPA has determined that all NPS managed land should be “confiscated” and sold off to cover “expenses” what certainly will be “excessive” fines.

“In the process of conserving the natural beauty of this nation for future children and people, we feel that the best course to pursue is to remove all National Parks from the management of the NPS which has proven to be completely incompetent. It’s a similar philosophy to removing children from incompetent parents.”

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An anonymous “source” at the National Park Service said that the “conclusions” reached are grossly “unfair” and that much of the “air quality” issues were the result of nearby “coal burning” generators and “nuclear power” plants.

EPA countered that this was “absurd” as there are no “power plants” anywhere on NPS “managed” land.

In addition, EPA cited poorly maintained “volcanoes”…

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completely unsanitary “sewage” facilities for wildlife residents…

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unrestrained volcanic “discharges” into waterways and oceans…

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wildlife “noise” pollution…

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unnatural “ozone” pollution…

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and toxic “chemical mine spills” polluting rivers and water ways…

“It’s clear that the NPS can no longer be trusted to manage these national treasures and it will be best for all involved to restrict the NPS to management of monuments in Washington DC only, where the pollution will be less noticeable” EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy stated.

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EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy tries to assure that all is well. From left, Navajo Nation Vice President Jonathan Nez, McCarthy, Navajo Nation President Russell Begaye.

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