Phony Scandals Update

Time to Go

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, announced today that all investigations into the “phony scandals” of the Obama administration have been “terminated” due to a lack of evidence.

The unexpected announcement prompted an arrogant FOX News reporter to ask, “What happened to the evidence?”

After the indignant boos and hisses from other reporters died down, Carney indulged the insulting insinuation with a gracious smile and answered, “All the documents related to Fast and Furious, the Benghazi episode, and IRS, uh, investigations of dangerous extremist groups were all stored on Eric Holder’s computer. Unfortunately, he moved all the files to Windows Photo Gallery, and wouldn’t you know it? They all got mysteriously deleted.”

Eric Holder

Undeterred, the obnoxious reporter pressed on with, “Why did they store sensitive documents on a program known to delete information without warning?”

Once the groans of the press corps diminished, Mr. Carney rolled his eyes but recovered his composure. “First,” said Carney, “I would remind you that early editions of Windows Photo Gallery came out during the previous administration, so it’s not our fault it destroys data.”  

Carney was obliged to raise his voice to be heard over the growing crescendo of cheers and hoots from various media stenographers. “Secondly, none of these incidents were even real scandals in the first place; they were the result of this president doing his utmost to protect Americans from being overrun by racist, hate mongering Republican homophobes!”

No more irrelevant and “threatening” questions were raised about the missing data once the offending reporter was “escorted” from the room by the Secret Service.


The briefing concluded with Carney “deftly” fielding questions about how the president was improving his golfing “handicap” and enjoying his new found hobby of “trap and skeet shooting.”


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