Eight Hanukkah Nights

Hanukkah Sex

Hanukkah, the Jewish “Festival of Lights,” and the American commercial equivalent of “Christmas,” is upon us.

Starting at sunset on December 8, Jews around the world will celebrate with “eight” nights of candles, deep-fried potato pancakes, games of dreidel and gifts only added to American Hanukkah in the first place, so that kids wouldn’t feel left out of all the Christmas money-spending insanity.

These “eight” nights are great for quality “family” time — and pulling that DIY menorah you made during your fifth-grade Hebrew school class out of the basement — but they’re also as good an excuse as any to have some more R-rated fun after said family time ends.

In the event that you have some room for “sexy” times during Hanukkah, make sure to follow these eight, clearly very “scientific” suggestions.

hanukkah first nightDay 1. Use your menorah to produce some romantic mood lighting. Since every night you add a candle, each night the lighting will change.


hanukkah second nightDay 2. Always have sex before you make the latkes. Or at least make sure your hands and clothing are free of deep-fried residue before you go at it.


hanukkah third nightDay 3. Play strip spin the dreidel. The Hebrew letter Gimel means take off all your clothes, Shin means put your clothing back on, Hei means take off half of your clothing and Nun means do absolutely nothing.


hanukkah fourth nightDay 4. Use non-cooking oil in bed — to give your partner a massage. The oil probably won’t last for eight days, but it will still be good holiday fun.



hanukkah fifth nightDay 5. Find a way to incorporate chocolate gelt into your sex life every day of the holiday. Chocolate is an alleged aphrodisiac, after all.


hanukkah sixth nightDay 6. Give your partner a gift each night … preferably ones that can be purchased at Babeland or the like.




hanukkah seventh nightDay 7. If you’re having sex for one, make sure to get some fantasy inspiration from the 2013 “Nice Jewish Guys” calendar. Your mom would be so proud.


hanukkah eight nightDay 8. Instead of smoking a postcoital cigarette, which I do not, in any way, encourage, eat a postcoital jelly donut. Way more delicious.


I definitively need to “convert” to Judaism! Although at this point in my life I think “eight” nights in a row would indeed be a miraculous “Hanukkah” blessing.



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